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After My Fiance Beat Me Should I Forgive Him?

by Sheila
(Zambia, Central Africa.)

I found my fiance with a prostitute in bed. I got confused immediately. I could not believe my eyes.

I slapped his face as he held my hand to make the girl run away. He later beat me up. He looked so evil that day and to me he was an evil spirit. He is generally a nice, loving guy but I don't know what happened to him that day.

I reported the matter to the police. I reported him for assault, but now he says he is sorry. I have forgiven him but I feel I still love him and want to get back to him.

We exchanged a lot of bad words, but he said the worst of course. Do you think forgiving him will be the best for me, and getting back with him beneficial? I have been with him for two years now and life without him is hard for me. I can manage life but not without him.

This animal called "love" is killing me. What do I do? Please help me.

I am lost with life. But God is still on the throne.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Sheila, and thanks for telling your story here. You are wise to question your decision to forgive and stay with this man. I will try to help.

The only way you will be safe with him is if he gets into deep, long-term treatment as an abuser. From what you've written here, that does not sound like a possibility. Therefore, if you get back with him, it is only a matter of time before he is unfaithful and abusive to you again.

If you haven't already dropped the assault charges against him, I suggest that you not drop them. Let him face the consequences for his violent behavior--otherwise, you're giving him your permission to do it again.

Read this page, which will help you:

FAQ page

You need to work on raising your self esteem, in order to place your own well being above your love for this (or any) man.

You can do this, Sheila. It is up to you to protect and care for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission.

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Nov 22, 2015
Good Advice
by: Anonymous

This most closely resembles the situation I've had.

I was assaulted by a friend who was intoxicated. His actions were so sudden and so violent that I feel aside from alcohol, surely other issues exist. I have had such revenge wishes, but I am aware that I cannot justify one crime with another. I let go every day.

In the end, I have to forgive this person. But to accept my part I have to admit that I made a huge error in allowing this person to be a 'friend'. He has often shown violent and angry, irrational and selfish behaviors which I abhor. Now I must see that keeping friends such as this only exposes me to potential harm in all ways. It is unhealthy to sit in a room with someone that is clearly capable of doing me harm, with no true remorse...blame it on me, on the booze etc.

I am not someone who can easily defend myself against a much bigger person, and I am still going to the doctor to overcome the damage to my shoulders. I have no reason to keep people like this in my life, but even greater, I have to learn why I felt it necessary to have unbalanced people as friends at all. I am surely imperfect, but I am peaceable and I am truly aware of the impact I have on others. I do my best to bring happiness and benefit. If I do something bad to this person, it undermines who I am trying to always be. If I accept this person, I am never truly safe from attack and I am endorsing that notion as acceptable.

So, the only strategy is to 'let go'. To assume that people eventually get what's coming and my job is to continue to become a loving human being and to surround myself with people that exhibit good traits. Anything short of leaving such friendships long behind is self-defeating, dangerous, and negative.

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