Afraid For My Dogs
Thankfully I found this page and I hope that writing it all here will help me to solve this and get over it. My story begins with me being with an angry person. Right now I hope it does not end with me being the angry person.
I currently live with my boyfriend with whom I've been for the last 4 years. We took the decision of moving out of our city to a smaller one, because of the job opportunities and quality of life. He was the first to go, and after a few months (almost a year), I followed him, leaving behind my job and family.
I got an opportunity in the same company but at another facility. It's been around 7 months since that.
He bought a house for his parents and one for us (still paying for it). The first red flag came when he did not take into account my opinion for buying it. We had been looking at some houses, but he made the decision on his own. I was certainly not satisfied as it was a plan between both of us.
Some months later, his dad passed away. Being the only child it was a hard test for him. A few months after that he started to be even more bitter than before, and it was a lot of trouble when I said I did not want to live in the same house as his mother. That house is just two blocks away, with less space. Half of the month his mother lives in other cities or is at the beach or something.
He had always seemed to have anger issues. For example, when driving he is very willing to get out of the vehicle and engage in a fight. Anyway, I moved in after talking it over with him a lot. We had even got a Great Dane puppy, and it arrived before me.
Another red flag has raised with this beautiful dog.
It started when the dog destroyed some of his things while staying in the yard. I thought it was just a one time thing. He started to hit the dog while yelling at it (as to teach him). Soon after, the veterinarian told us it might be the dog was just bored, that company would help. Our neighbor offered us a cute female Pit Bull. We took it. It was great to see how much he seemed to love it too, taking care of the diseases it had and all.
However, since last week it has worsened -- actually it was since a month ago. We had such a fight because of jealousy. This time it was me that was the jealous one. I couldn't believe that we had friends over, and all the attention I had asked for was given to another girl. It's not that I think that he might go with her, she's gay, but it still bothered me. I started to complain about that, and less than 10 minutes later there was this huge discussion in which he told me I could leave and then I was walking down the street at 2 am.
I went on my own initiative, to cry and calm down, and 15 minutes later I came back, trying to reason with him. Then I found out he was getting his anger out with the dogs. I yelled at him, tried to stop him, and he went away.
Next morning he came and apologized (something he almost never does) and committed to go to a psychologist and have individual or couples therapy. I was packing my stuff and he asked for another chance.
Everything started to get better, but last week he got angry with the little Pit Bull, in the morning before going to work. He started beating it and I tried again to stop him. When I couldn't I started yelling. He let her go but instead turned to me and poked me on the face, saying "Shut up!" The look in his eyes was as frightening as you could imagine.
We had to go to work but I said it was the last time I could take a poke. That we were moving to another house (one I had bought, bigger but with less yard) in the weekend. I just asked for a pacific week.
The weekend came and I did nothing. We stayed, he was again peaceful. We even planted a new tree and built a fence for it, so the dogs wouldn't damage it. We had grilled hamburgers and took the dogs for several walks.
Then again! The night before last, we came home to find out that the little Pit Bull had destroyed the tree. You should have seen his anger. For me that is way beyond the level someone should get to. His eyes were so open, his face so red, yelling, swearing towards the dog. He kicked her, made her yell, and wouldn't stop.
I did my best to take her away, to protect her. I had her checked and she's OK. He said that we should leave right then. I wouldn't. It was 11 pm, and I had to work the next day. I wasn't going to just accept his conditions. He yelled about how I cared more for the dogs and I said that if that was the logic it was obvious that he cared more for things than us.
He calmed down, but has not offered any apologies. He was very civilized last night. He said nothing about me or the dogs leaving. We even went to the gym and he was worried about leaving someone in charge of them as we have to be away this weekend.
I do not know what to do or feel, if I should run as soon as possible or what. I know he has serious anger management issues and don't know if I should insist and help him through therapy.
It happens with his mom also, he gets to a point which I find really disrespectful. And she just tolerates it. I've never heard her telling him to stop. I at least have told him that I do not have to put up with that. I do it firmly and calmly.
Well, that's it for today. I have a bunch of feelings and ideas and just don't know what to do.
Thank you in advance.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're trying hard to figure out the best thing to do in your situation. I will try to help.
You said, "I do not know what to do or feel, if I should run as soon as possible or what." Apparently, some part of your mind has said to you, "Run as soon as possible." I strongly encourage you to listen to that inner wisdom and do exactly that.
This man has very serious problems, and he will not be safe for you (or your dogs) until after he gets years of in-depth counseling by very experienced professionals. The chances that he will seek that out and follow through are very slim. From what you have described, he does not seem to realize how disturbed he is.
As you mentioned, his mother has not stood up to him, and even though you're very unhappy with his behavior, you are giving him the message that his behavior is acceptable also, every time you choose to be with him after an abusive episode.
Actions speak louder than words. You must take action. You are not safe with this man. Get yourself and your dogs away from him as soon as possible, and do not go back. You are in a battered woman syndrome, and you keep hoping that things will get better after each episode of abuse.
This video shows the kind of gentleness that animals deserve:
The only healthy choice is for you to leave, and to get help for yourself. You need to figure out why you chose this man, and why you stayed with him after multiple abusive scenarios.
You are worthy of respect and kindness. Do not accept anything less than that from anyone. And never, ever stay with anyone who is abusive to animals. That is evidence of a deep pathological disturbance, and no one is safe around such a person.
Make the choice to live a happy, healthy life with healthy relationships.
You can do this. You are worthy.
My very best to you,
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