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A Never Ending Race Of Trying To Free Myself

by Ashish

It was my first year in college. I was in a relationship with a girl called Karen. At first it was good. Then a little bit of negativity was taking place within us.

Day after day, we used to quarrel. I will not lie, most of the time I was solely responsible. But I wasn't that matured then. I felt lonely and started chatting with another girl, named Christina. She at first seemed good to me. I used to chat with both of them.

At that time, it seems to me I was right. But life was becoming more and more complex. Christina was not a bad person. But she was egoistic, rude, and jealous. For this, I was having fight with Christina also. She seems so complicated to me. Sometimes the fault was mine. Other times, I wasn't even aware of what I did wrong.

I felt like I was interrogated for the very little mistakes I did. Such as, late replies and hanging out with my family and relatives. She was acting like I was her boyfriend, even though she knew about my current relationships.

I was in burnout because I was having fights with both of them almost every day. I was angry, I was crying, I was breaking my phones, hitting my head after quarreling.

And I needed to chat with both of them all day long, otherwise they became mad at me. I was lost. I was depressed and felt very anxious every single minute of my day. The major issues were with Christina.

It always felt like I need to reply to her, or else she will scream at me. I can't take a nap, or else she will be mad at me. I can't do my own things, I need to chat with her. Otherwise she will shout at me.

These things began to eat my mind and soul. I was frustrated and depressed. I tried to cut Christina out. But somehow she manipulated me to chat with her.

Then I started reading self-help books. I broke up with Karen because I thought she was the problem. I tried to make a good and healthy friendship with Christina because she was my classmate.

I thought my life was changed. But actually it’s not. Now I have big dreams, but I often become frustrated and depressed. But often times I feel the pain of those times. I don't feel the freedom even now. I can't even think, act or do something of my own. Christina stays with me all the time. She becomes upset with even the very silliest things. That I can’t take anymore.
Two years before, I needed the freedom to live my life on my own terms. Today, I still feel I don't have any freedom. It feels so frustrating. I feel anxious every single moment I am with her.
I know, I should leave her and not spend time with her. But she shouts at me, or screams at me, whenever I don't give time to her. I don't know what to do. It feels I am in a never ending race of freeing myself. But I never felt free.

I feel suffocated and don't know what I should do. I just want to live a life where I will have the full freedom to live my life on my own terms. I can't even take a nap, I just feel frightened whether she will be mad at me or not.

By the way, she likes me. I don't hate her. But I need the freedom. Whenever she tries to control or manipulate me, I become furious and shout at her. I sometimes hit my head and punch in the world.

I need to solve my problem. I set goals that I would live my life on my own terms but can't even live up to that. I have been setting this same goal for over 3 years now. But in vain...

What should I do?

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Apr 18, 2018
Some Suggestions For You
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello Ashish, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds like you're allowing yourself to be controlled by Christina's anger, and by your positive feelings for her.

A question to ask yourself is whether the benefit of the relationship is worth the pain and suffering you're going through.

It is really never a good thing to allow yourself to be controlled by another person's anger. You have to love yourself enough to put yourself first, and then if you break up with her, move ahead with your life.

You may have to block calls, texts and emails from her. This is not easy, but it's important. If you don't take care of yourself, and set good boundaries, people will be able to manipulate you and take advantage of you.

Read here about letting go of a relationship, and setting personal boundaries. Follow all of the guidelines you find in those articles, then you will be able to take the necessary steps to move forward with your life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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