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15 Years Bad Luck

by Anonymous

I'm a 15 year old boy from England, and so far I've had 15 years of hell. My family life is poor. The credit crunch has destroyed us. There have been deaths which have damaged us more, and we're drifting apart.

We've resorted to other means to make money. I've moved house 4 times in the last 2 years. We've got absolutely no money. Forget luxuries, I can barely get necessities. My dad is only 50 and has had surgery on his knee, and he also needs a new hip. He recently got made redundant at work and we lost the family car.

I grew up with mild OCD. I recently found out I also have a mild form of Tourette Syndrome. Now I know I have anger management issues. Things can't seem to get worse. I hate my dad, we constantly argue. I break things in my anger. I broke my new phone that I had for one week. It was too expensive--what was I thinking when I broke it? I've broken sentimental things too. Things that do not belong to me. Crushed by my bare hands. I can't concentrate at school because of my anger. I'm worried I might hurt someone if I get angry at school, etc. because I am a large person. 15 Years bad luck.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here.

Hello, and thanks for submitting your story on this site. You are obviously a good person, and that's why you don't like the anger.

I encourage you not to get too focused on what's wrong with you (OCD and Tourette's), and pay more attention to what's right with you. I really hear that you have a lot of problems, and that you've had them all of your life. You've got good reasons for your anger, but you need to be sure and handle it in healthy ways.

Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get to know the angry part of you, so that you can get to know the part of you that is good and wants to be healthy.

1) See if you can come up with an image--a picture in your mind, of the part of you that gets angry. He's not bad, he's just trying to protect you. He can, however, get you in a lot of trouble. He needs your help--he needs help from the healthy part of you who sees the bigger picture. He can get tunnel vision sometimes.

2) Let the angry guy talk--what I mean by that is, get yourself a journal (blank book) and let him write in it. Get all of your anger out that way, and it won't be as likely to come out at other people as much--and it gives the angry guy inside you a place to let his feelings out.

3) Then, when you get to know him a little better, make friends with him--again, he's just trying to protect you, but you want that to happen in healthy, smart ways. Give him a big hug, and say these words to him: "Thanks for trying so hard to protect me. I really appreciate it. You're a fighter, and I respect that--but I don't want you being in charge without me being there to help you. We can do better working together." Then imagine you're taking him inside yourself--because he is a part of you, but he's not all of you.

4) Next, think about the good guy--the one who wrote your story on this site. He's the guy you want to be in charge, in order to keep the angry guy from getting out of hand. He is your genuine self, the person you really are.

5) Keep the angry guy in your mind's eye when you're around other people. This is called, "See It, Don't Be It." This will help you stay in charge of your anger, and act more like the good guy that you really are.

Practice these exercises every day, as much as you can, and I guarantee you they will work for you! These are tools, like a good set of wrenches. If you use them, they will do you a lot of good. If you leave them on a shelf, they won't be any good to you at all.

Believe in yourself. Make up your mind that you are going to rise above your situation and make a good life for yourself. Create a vision of who you want to be in your mind, and stay focused on that.

Also, try these exercises for emotional healing and dealing with the causes of anger:

1) Write down all of the times you have been hurt, scared or angry, going back as far as you possibly can in your memory. Those stories need to be written down.

2) Write in total and complete detail, leaving nothing out. Keep writing until you start to feel some relief.

3) Then, start writing from your anger (just like in the above exercise) every day. This gives it somewhere to go, instead of letting it just rattle around in your head. Don't hold back in your writing. When you start to feel some release and relief from this, take a look at what you've written. This really helps you to "hear" what the angry guy has to say.

4) Then, when you're feeling more calm from writing from the anger, write about what you feel grateful for from your past, what you appreciate in your present, and what you look forward to in the future. This will help you to shift your mood and your focus. Do this every day, as a way of "setting the tone" for your day. Writing the positive stuff also reminds you of who you really are--a good person.

5) Write about the positive aspects of all of the people in your life. Write about all of the things you like about them. This will help you keep your focus on what is the most important.

Also, to manage your anger on a daily basis, take a look at these anger management techniques. Focus on the ones that work best for you, and practice them over and over until they become automatic.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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