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Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
I have no idea what to do here. I met my husband about 4 years ago - and it was a fairy tale. He saved my life by getting me out of a horrible life and situation I had put myself in and paid to put through rehab.
When I got out I immediately moved in with him and left my old life, bad friends, and condo behind me. He supported me while I tried to find work and was wonderful to my animals I brought into the relationship.
Eventually I started to find work and during this time I noticed some anger issues coming out. He would just have these crazy shouting and yelling bouts at his family from time to time. His brother and father also have the same type of anger and they act the same way. They say horrible mean things to each other and have pushed each other around.
Other than that - it was still an amazing relationship and he never lost it at me. We got married and moved into our new place and adopted some more pets- who he loves and treats amazingly.
I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 years ago and have been on various medications. For a couple months I was over-medicated and didn't know it and wound up getting into about 4 car accidents within the span of 4 months. The last accident was with his car and when I called him to tell him about it - he lost it.
He was screaming and yelling at me over the phone while I was bawling in the car waiting for the police to take the accident report. He hung up and while I was talking to the police he called my parents and started blaming them for my emotional problems and screaming and yelling at them. This was such a shock to them as I am from a family that never does this.
Since then we got my meds fixed but he still blames my parents and constantly wants me to ask them for money he thinks they owe us. My parents have given me everything they could in my life- paid $100k for my education and bailed me out of many financial problems and I am sick of the strain on my relationship with my parents.
This isn't the end of his hurting any relationships I have in my life. He freaked out on a co-worker of mine who he thought owed me money and she was a friend- but one time when I was on the phone with her she heard him in the background shouting and screaming about the money and she has basically kept her distance from me since.
When he gets upset it is usually money related and he says horrible mean things like "your parents don't love you" "you don't contribute anything to the relationship" I'm "stupid" and threatens to kick me out.
Recently I accepted a job in the building he owns - upstairs for a great small company that I love. I don't make a lot of money yet- but there is great potential to earn more in 6 months time. When I didn't get all of the bonus I thought I was going to get- he got extremely pissed and barged into my office and yelled at my boss in front of my other co-workers- what was worse was that a couple of them had brought their kids in that afternoon as it was almost time to go home. I couldn't have been more humiliated. I don't know if I can go back to work as I am too embarrassed and I loved that job.
I don't know what else to do - he flips out maybe once a month and never has laid a hand on me but the emotional abuse is breaking me down and now it will most likely cost me the job I really enjoyed. I do want this to work and he knows he has anger issues and even has read books to manage it. How can I help him get better? I think his anger stems back to his mother's death and her illness throughout his life.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It's not a matter of you being good enough. You already are, and always have been. The question is, will you take responsibility to make sure you are treated with kindness and respect.
I understand that you want to help your husband and improve your relationship. My approach is to help you to help yourself, and to help you understand your relationship. Your husband is either going to get the help he needs to heal his anger or he's not--that's his choice, and his alone.
I strongly suggest that you read the following pages on relationships, and follow the guidelines you find there.
how to deal with abusive relationships
battered wife syndrome
Believe in yourself, and start putting your own well being first in your life. You took a step in that direction by telling your story here. You are the only person who can truly take care of you.
You are worth it.
My very best to you,
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