by Hopeful But Tired
It feels funny doing this but here we go! I need Jesus to help me and I realize this site may be a blessing to me.
I'm the oldest of many in our special family mix. I'm a single mom.
I lost my dad, my best friend, my counselor and pastor all at once--he was one person, and my world was never the same after he died. I'm a grown woman now and feel I still miss my father immensely.
Today I feel very vulnerable and sensitive. I work with two older gentlemen, one is my boss and the other thinks he is. I don't want to complain.
My lack of sleep I'm certain contributes to my irritability but I have to do something quick!
I have two wonderful children. My eldest daughter is 13. I divorced when she was 3, and she rarely has had connection or time with her dad. My son on the other hand, his father I was with 3 yrs when we became pregnant and he has been a huge part of my boys life. We never married and due to many many differences and issues, he has moved on quite happily with his life.
I feel I've become quite bitter and impatient. I pray and attend church regularly. I don't want to make my kids suffer because I can't deal with the stress or burdens of life. I don't want to take it out on them. I've poured my heart and soul into my kids, my life, my God.
Today is just an extremely challenging day for me and I had to seek an avenue to vent, release some of this and seek help. I don't drink or do drugs but I've been so tempted to go out for a drink--but my convictions are too strong for me to go and do that. I won't benefit from it and feel I'd just make things worse. On top of that, I really would feel so guilty tomorrow or God forbid truly enjoy it and become accustomed to it. I just don't want to open that door!
Today my boss referred to me as a bitter divorcee! I may possibly be and don't want to be.
Ahhhh! What to do. I want to take a much needed vacation, but...too many bills, a late mortgage payment, and I'm on the verge of losing my home. I also have a dog that I really should get rid of. My mom should be retired but she's still raising my brothers and sister (they're teens now and still at home). I have aunts and uncles but NONE of them are close to us (physically or emotionally) and since my dad had a different father, they all stuck together. Sad thing is my dad raised them and provided as a father then they moved away as they prospered but stuck together without him. I'm done for now, too much to do.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. From what you've told me, it sounds like the first priority is for you to make sure you're doing all of the necessary grieving over the loss of your father. This page on the stages of grief will help you with that.
Unresolved grief can often turn into bitterness and irritability, which of course makes everything difficult and frustrating. The problems and challenges outside you will be much more manageable when you're feeling better inside. It sounds like you had a very special relationship with your father, and it probably feels absolutely impossible to imagine ever replacing him--and you won't. However, by honoring his life and the love you shared, and going through all of steps of grieving, you will come to peace with yourself and your life as it is without him.
I'm glad your faith is strong. That will help you to connect with the goodness, healing and peace that are in your heart and soul.
My very best to you,
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