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What Life Gives You

by Anoja
(London)

My name is Anu. I am in my 20's, and I have had a few relationships that have not worked out well. I got married when I was 18, and now I have a baby girl. I am separated from her dad.

I lost my dad when I was 3 years old, and my mum left to work abroad when I was 11 months old. From that time on, I have been living with my grand parents. I was sexually abused as a child by my relatives, and until now nobody in my family knows about it except the people who abused me.

I was looking for love since I was a child, and never found it until 8 months ago. I do get angry sometimes. Then later I think about it and realize it's pretty bad. Then I regret it.

Right now I hate my self and I have had enough of my life. I am living because of my baby, really. I do have a boyfriend, but I don't know--I'm confused at times. He is really a great person, but sometimes I get angry with him for no reason--or just for little mistakes.

I can't forget my past. It's just hard when I think all that stuff. Now, even though I just want to get on with my life, I can't.

These are just some of the things happening in my life. I really hope you can sort out my head. Please tell me what is wrong with me or if this is normal. Please help me. Thank you!

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, Anu, and thanks for sharing your story on this site. I am touched by what you've written, and will try my best to help you. The most important thing I want to say is that it is clear to me that you are a good person, trying to do your best in a world that has at times been cruel to you. You are a survivor. And you care, and you want to be better. That is so very good.

The reasons you can't forget your past are:

1) Those memories of abuse are wounds that have not healed. They keep reminding you that they need your attention, until they are healed. And you can heal them now.

2) Another reason that you can't forget your past is that it has something to offer you. I know that may sound strange to you, but rest assured that you will be stronger and wiser as a result of the healing work you are about to do. Your wise inner self wants you to have these gifts, and that's another reason that you can't forget your past.

Sexual abuse is very challenging to heal from, so I'm not going to pretend that this will be easy. But if you set your mind to this, Anu, you can do it.

Here are the steps I want you to take:

1) Write a detailed account of everything that happened to you. I know this is hard, but I assure you that it will help. It could also stir things up for you, so you may need to see a counselor during this process.

2) Any survivor of sexual abuse has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so I highly recommend you read this web page, and especially follow the imagery processes for emotional healing that are on the same page. These imagery healing processes will also help you to heal from the early abandonment feelings you have because of losing your dad and mom at such an early age.

3) Begin doing the journaling processes you will find on this page daily. This is very important--especially the positive part of the journaling. That will stabilize you emotionally as you deal with healing from the sexual trauma.

A couple of questions...are you still in contact with the people who abused you? If so, you need to either eliminate that contact, or don't see them again until you feel that you have healed from the abuse.

If you have people you feel safe with, it would also be good for you to tell them about the abuse also. They absolutely must be trustworthy. If you have any doubts about whether they will honor your privacy and treat you respectfully, then don't tell them.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a good person. When you do the journaling I recommended above, you may find that relationship going better. If you feel safe with him, he would be a good person to tell about your abuse--but only if you feel right about that.

Follow the above steps, and I think you'll get some relief and healing. You may want to wait to tell anybody else about the abuse until you have done the journaling and the imagery healing work.

Feel free to comment on this page, or write again if you like. I'll be glad to help.

My very best to you, Anu

Dr. DeFoore

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