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Verbally Abusive And Very Aggressive

by Balle
(Spain)


Hello,

I have a long distance relationship for 2 years (we broke up for 6 months in the middle of it).

The relationship started in distance, we are from different countries.

It started with a strong connection. We were both very loving. But somehow in a few months we started to have communication problems which are the following: he always came to me expressing his feelings about me, something of me that bothered him. So I tried to explain myself why I did this or that, to give him reasons. He didn't care about the reasons, he told me, he just wanted me to tell him 'I understood him' and that is all. I tried to explain him many times that didn't work for me, I could understand he felt bad about anything but I had the need to explain myself as he was assuming things or facts about me.

This was our main trouble and we could not talk about anything else until this was solved. So I had other needs, concerns or doubts about us, like to close distance, or to plan when to meet, but he never really showed interest about this, he just wanted the other thing to be solved. He stopped all other kinds of communication such as sex, or our loving things in order to fix just that one. He blamed me all the time that I don´t know how to listen and he didn't listen to me cause I did it first.

We broke up for impossible communication. But in those months I felt guilty, I wanted to come back and he rejected me, then finally we started again, 6 months after. But he was different. He was hurt and brutal.

Because I told him I was sorry when we went back together he just focused on that, trying to make me feel guilty every single day.

He started to play the victim, to tell me that he had breakdowns and collapses because of me. That I was responsible of his mental health. That he was a happy person before he met me, that we has been unhappy for 2 years because I don´t know how to listen. He wanted me to admit that I was out of control and everything was my fault.

Every time I tried to explain myself in a conversation he just left, leaving me alone for days. I didn't know anything about him or his life during that time. That made me very insecure. I felt really bad.

Later he started also to be verbally violent, to tell me things like: f-ing bitch, f-ing whore, f-ing clown, you are going to be a bad mother, your mother didn't show you love, you don´t serve anything, f-ing monster, you broke me, f you, I hate you, I despise you...etc.

I had a difficult childhood and he used the things I told him about me against me and against us.

I feel bad for all of this and I also feel bad because I never saw him willing to close distance (just the first two months when he asked me to marry him). When I lost my job a few months ago, he didn't offer me to go to live with him (in his country) and I am living at friend´s house. He never asks me how it’s going in my life with work or anything.

I feel he doesn't care for me and he doesn't mind if it is me or whoever in a relationship with him, he just wants to fill his needs.

He tells me I have no empathy, but I feel he is the one who doesn't have it.

So two days ago after an episode of insults and violence thru whatsapp I blocked him, then I told him why I blocked him and that for me is time to heal.

So he started to tell me that he truly thinks I have mental issues and I am unstable and he can help me. i told him I don´t need his help, I needed his love and some other things he never cared about.

I am not talking to him but he tells me every night, 'sleep well.'

My questions:

Should I give this person a chance? He is not even sorry for his insults or anything.

How can I make him understand what he is doing to me?

Does he even care for me or is he playing?

Why is he still trying to keep me there if he does all this to me?

How should I proceed?

Btw I am 34 and he is 31. I would really appreciate your point of view and advice.

Thank you very much.

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Oct 19, 2019
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Your Title Answers Your Question
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here.

Your situation is very simple. Do not ever tolerate this type of abusive, bordering on insane behavior from anyone.

You ask how to proceed. Do everything you can to protect yourself, and end the relationship immediately. Cut off all communication.

Then, get some counseling help for yourself, and find out why you ever would have tolerated this type of abuse. You are responsible for the relationships you choose and choose to stay in.

You are worthy of respect, no matter what. That is what you need to learn and keep very clear in your mind. Treat others with respect, and accept only that from them. Then your life will be so much better.

I wish you all the best as you heal and make good choices going forward.

Dr. DeFoore

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