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Unresolved Anger

by Kelly
(Fort Worth , TX)

I'm angry at my husband for the lack of compassion he has shown me and for the lack of understand of my feelings. I feel he has used me for his own gain. He always says that he would never hurt me or say anything to intentionally hurt me but he has. He has put everything in front of me and has made me the last thing on his list to deal with.

Yes, my husband has a list and he has to know everything that is going on around him. I'm so angry at him that I have literally pushed him and yelled at him to leave me alone at times so I could think. He says I'm angry at something else and there's no way I could be angry at him, but yet I'm in tears and shaking from the anger I feel for him. Everything I do for him is not good enough and if I move something he moves it back. He also moves things on purpose when I am looking for things and then he laughs about it.

He says I am out of control with my anger and that he's tired of dealing with it. Well I feel like he should be me sometimes--walk in my shoes for a day and see how he feels. There's a lot of built up resentment inside of me and I'm not sure how much more I'll be able to take.

As you can tell even writing about it makes me spell bad. He does everything for me. He says I should be grateful to him for putting a roof and food in my life and that I get to stay at home and sit on my....and do nothing all day while he works to pay the bills. Well my home life is pretty busy too.

Another thing that really angers me is that when I do feel like I need to talk he says that I come to him when its time to go to bed and then I want to talk to him. Well, that's because that's the only time I have to say anything to him and that's the only time that he's not busy doing something. It's hard when you're so in love with someone, and everything is conditional.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Kelly, and thanks for telling your story on this site. I really get that you don't know how much more you can take of your situation. You did say that you're in love with your husband, and that's good--maybe there's something you can build on there.

But let's start by helping you with your anger and your emotional healing. We certainly can't help your husband here, and besides it's not him that's telling his story.

First priority is for you to learn to manage your anger, so that you don't make your situation worse. Start by doing the daily journaling processes you will find described on this page. It's especially important that you do the positive journaling after you've gotten your anger out, so that you're shifting your mental focus to the positive aspects of your husband and your situation.

Next, use these imagery processes to help you heal from any past emotional trauma or abuse you have been through. Often anger erupts from old, unresolved emotional issues, and it really sounds to me like you have some of those.

If you want more techniques, you can also subscribe to our Healing Anger newsletter and get the free copy of the Anger Management Techniques Ebook. It has more extensive help in that area.

You really need to focus your attention and energy on yourself and your own healing process, and try not to focus on your husband, except his positive aspects.

These tools will work for you, Kelly, if you use them. Like any tools, they only work if you use them. And you need to use them daily, on an ongoing basis, until you're doing better.

I wish you the very best in your healing process.

Dr. DeFoore
P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission to help you become your own best anger management resource.

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Comments for Unresolved Anger

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Oct 05, 2013
Thank you both for the empathy
by: Anonymous

I thank you both, Kelly, and Dr. deFoore. I thank Kelly for telling her story-she is me, telling mine. I thank Dr. deFoore for his reply-even though at the start of my healing journey it was tough for me to admit, he is right, in my situation. My anger, as I see it now, was, and still is, (as I still haven't come right but know, in time I will, because, I feel inside I will) an anger and sort of depression(restriction) coming from my past as my mother had, and has, the same effect on me as my husband. It was the symptom I didn't recognise. I now realise I married my mother! I know a lot of women marry their fathers but I did the same except with the opposite sex/parent.!!
I 'hit the bottle' and spent 2 1month stints in 2 alcohol rehab centres. To no avail until 2 years later I found a counsellor who believed my version of events in my 'marriage' and told me I would eventually see my part in it's downfall. He was right. I'm now, finally, at the age of 54, learning about boundaries. Up to recently I was a people pleaser. Now, I am learning not to lose myself in any relationship. That includes my mother, sister and brother, as well as my almost grown up sons. Maybe in time I will truly heal. I believe I will. I base that statement on the fact it takes the brain 8 weeks to learn something. I just have to take 8 weeks to myself, like many others have done, to go through and work through the unresolved hurt and issues in my life. Too many times people are prescribed antidepressants only for the depression to return at a later stage. I truly believe our body knows what's wrong with us and what we need to become whole again. I also believe that to go through this is scary and therefore should only be done in a safe environment be it with a trusted work colleague, friend or family member. When I say 'go through this', I mean for 8 weeks, totally relying on oneself. This means no verbal communication with those who deceive and manipulative us, and only brief verbal communication with those special people we trust. Those special people we trust for the 8 weeks in our almost silent healing are the ones we can ask for basic food and water whether we live alone or not. Sometimes, alone is easier as it's obvious to neighbours. A physical body knows what it needs to stay alive and when it's going through a huge emotional turmoil/shift to come back to who it/one truly is, it only needs the very basics of physical foods. Most of it's energy is expended on stress and anxiety which is a waste of energy. Our energies are worth more than that. From my limited experience, both personal and that of friends and colleagues, it is worth trying being self-reliant for 8 weeks. If you're determined, you'll have overcome your anxiety/distress in that time. Time/words up! Love Veronica xx

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