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Too Many Outbursts

by Tami

Dear Dr. DeFoore:

I have been married for 5 years and my husband has extreme anger outbursts. My husband claims that all his anger is caused by my 21 year old daughter, but too many times he has gotten angry when my daughter was not around or even the topic.

My husband has gotten very angry at my therapist because she wanted to talk to him about his issues with me and my daughter. The conversation did not go far at all. My husband got angry the moment the therapist indicated that marriage was a two way street and he needs to be more open and caring with my daughter. My husband became very angry got up in the face of the therapist and said no one tells him what to do! He then stormed out.

Another time a man drove by and beeped his horn. My husband got angry and yelled profanity out the window at him. Then he pulled the car over and was going to get out and go after the man, but my daughter and I begged and pleaded for him to stop.

We were visiting family one night when a 12 yr. cousin decided to tease him about his weight. My husband didn't like it. He told the kid to shut up. When he did, he jumped up and started punching on his head!

My husband has hit me several times and now I have a restraining order on him. I don't want my husband to do jail time. I want him to get the help he needs for his anger. I don't want him flying off the handle because the door closed or my daughter's name was mentioned. I need help!

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Tami, and thanks for telling your story here. It may help you to know that you're not alone with your situation. Many women face this type of relationship, unfortunately. You will find some guidance and recommendations on our FAQ page that deals specifically with how to deal with abusive relationships. You will also find some helpful information on this page.

The fact that your husband is facing jail time is directly due to his own behavior. Do not try to protect him from these consequences. It will only make the problem worse, and give him the message that he can be abusive and you will protect him.

The only way your husband will be a safe person for you to be with is if he gets deep, long-term therapy as an abuser--and it does not sound like he's interested. He has to be the one to initiate getting help for it to benefit him.

Take very good care of yourself and your daughter, Tami. If you don't protect yourself, no one else can.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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