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To Stay With Him Or To Re-Build My Life

by C

Hi all, I have been with my partner on and off for nearly three years now. He is 25 and I am 23. When we first met, we clicked. However, He used to sell drugs, take drugs and was very emotionally abusive to me (after a couple months in).

We always managed to get through our problems. We always tried to make it up and let it go. He suffers with an addiction to weed, anger and money. I suffer with severe insecurities, paranoia and lack of trust. We have both smoked on and off in our relationship, which I know does not help at all. We have both made wonderful memories and had lovely times together.

We have split up 4 times (being 3 months apart each time) and we always end up back together. Most recently, end of January, we rented a new flat together owned by his parents. We were excited. It was a fresh start. We paid half of everything in the flat. We done it up so it felt like home.

Only two days ago, we had an argument (I was being paranoid again and questioning him) which sparked outrage in him. He wanted me out of the flat (which I did not want to leave as it was my home and I wanted to sort out the argument).

He then went out for a few hours and got drunk. He came back, we were then arguing again and he was saying awful things to me. He then strangled me, dragged me off the sofa, over the coffee table, dragged me across the floor and spat in my face.

When I got up to get my things and call my Mum to pick me up, I asked to have a cigarette but he then wanted me to leave straight away and got a knife out the drawer. He then threw the knife somewhere and strangled me again in the kitchen.

I then grabbed what I could and left and went back home to my mums. This is by far the worst thing we have gone through and yet, I still love him. I still feel bad for my actions and only wish things were different.

He also has a son that I cannot seem to accept and I know that it is not the child’s fault. The child’s bio mother is horrible. She tries her hardest to make our life hell and the child is a constant reminder to me of her and their precious relationship together. He insists he hates her.

I basically have a hang up with this child and cannot bear to be in the same room as him as I feel he is just like his mother. This sickens to me to think I am being unaccepting. He wants me to be a part of his child’s life but I am so hurt by the mother that it is a huge barrier in our relationship.

His friends are also a problem. He gave his drug phone to his friend so that he can still make money without having to touch the drugs. I disagree altogether and believe he should not be involved. He is desperate for money.

Most of his friends still take drugs and are not good influences but again, they are his friends and I deal with this. I am paranoid all the time. Every time his phone rings or a text tone goes off, I am nervous. I ask who it is. He hates this and I hate it too.

I feel as though he is always secretive with me and he always says he has done nothing wrong. I am deeply insecure and have no confidence at all. No matter what he says, I am always scared he will run off with someone else or go back to his ex (bio mother of his child). I cannot seem to believe anything he says and always think he is lying.

I know I have my own issues and hang ups which desperately need sorting. The day after the attack, we agreed that I would collect all my belongings and hand back the keys (for the flat). This has now been completed.

He begged me not to leave but I felt/still feel a lot of pressure from friends and family to not go back although I still want to be with him and make it work.

I am worried about this. I wonder if he makes the changes, and I can’t…or if I change and he can’t. We are both a mess. We both want to be together but we hurt each other in different ways.

There are so many problems in our relationship that are not going away (e.g child is one of them), he is not a problem as such but the mother is. I have not spoken to him since I collected my stuff yesterday.

Can we fix this?

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Apr 09, 2018
Choose Wisely In Life
by: Anonymous

You have been knocked so low and mistreated for so long that you would even consider going back. My boyfriend loves me and I can tell you this he would never ever put his hands on me and if that ever did happen it would be the last time I ever see him. Without hesitation on my part.

I love myself more than any man to allow such a blatant disrespect and harm’s way possible to happen again. It's your choice what you do and what you allow. That is a total violation between two people to strike another human being unless of course it’s in self-defense.

My boyfriend protects me and looks out for my best interest and tries to create alongside with me a good healthy life together one that we can be proud of. You have a lot of work to start sorting through within yourself and the less you stop focusing on this guy the quicker you can start to reclaim your life and only accept and bring into it good, loving people that will not harm you that you can live in peace and harmony with.

Do you have any limits and boundaries with yourself on what is acceptable behavior towards you and treatment? If not "make some immediately" and say no - it stops today. Raise your standards. You have to look out for your best interest in this life. Your safety and security with a man should be right up top when searching for a lifetime companion.

Do you want 30 years to go by with the wrong guy? Maybe you like the drama and creating it. Maybe it's all you know. Maybe it's what you’re used to. Maybe you feel you are getting attention even if it is bad. Maybe you really do think this is love. Maybe you think you can fix him. Maybe you are too afraid to be without him and you’d rather suffer with him. Maybe you have thrown all regard for yourself out the window you have no drive to want or do better for yourself. Maybe you are willing to just settle for this because you think he's all you can get. Maybe you put someone too high on a pedestal because that's in fact what he thinks of himself when in reality he's a drug pusher who chooses a dirty lifestyle to support himself instead of bettering himself. Maybe he's pulling you down with him.

Seek help, stay away and get yourself together. The kid and his mother are not your problem here. It seems to me that you are your own worst enemy right now. Get out of this downward spiral while you can. Life is too short and there are so many other men that would love to have the opportunity to share in a healthy relationship, one where the guy actually puts you on a pedestal and would knock the lights out of anyone who would dare put his hands on his women.

Big difference in men out there. What are you letting in your life? Choose wisely and have self-respect for yourself.

Apr 03, 2018
Your Answer Is In Your Question
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello C, and thanks for telling your story here. I will try to help.

In your title, you say, "To Stay With Him Or To Re-Build My Life." Interesting...what you're saying is that you will either rebuild your life or you will stay with him. I think you're exactly right about that. I don't think you can do both.

Think about these things that you wrote: He got drunk, strangled me, dragged me across the floor and spat in my face. I know you think he loves you, but I assure you that anyone who does this to you does not respect you, and is not a safe person to be with. And without respect and safety, there can be no real love.

The real question I want you to consider is, if you truly love and care for yourself, would you stay with someone who does this to you? I hope you understand that the only reasonable answer is no.

Get some help for yourself, and figure out why you would even consider getting back with someone who treats you this way. The answers you're looking for are in your own personal story.

Take care of yourself, C. You're the only person who can.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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