The Man With The Big Heart And The Boy With Little Patience

by Steve Mancini
(Williamstown, NJ)

My name is Steve Mancini, and I live in Jersey. The big thing with me is I made so many mistakes in my adolescent years that I feel I can't have a normal life. Everyone sees my wrongs, but I feel they never see the good, and I hate it!

I'm a smart, funny, outgoing normal kid that just wants everyone to forget the bad--you know, just see me for the good I want to do. I feel like they see me and say I'm a trouble maker and I'm no good, but I don't care what anyone says because I know in my heart that I only want to bring smiles and joy to peoples lives.

I'm so sick of being the "bad guy." I never wanted to be labeled like that...so now what do i do? How do i forget about the past? How do I set goals and really accomplish them? How am I supposed to be this happy go lucky guy I know I am, when I'm so sick of being me? I want to go to another state where no one knows me and start new!

I've always thought about being a motivational speaker because if I put just one smile on someone's face it takes me outside myself and i just seem to forget about the pain. But how can I tell others it's going to be okay when I'm not okay yet? All I want to do is cry and cry and cry. It seems every emotion I feel I cover it up with anger. And the things that haunt me every single day just wont go away! Please help me. I just want to know whats it like to be genuinely happy!

Thanks a million,
Steve

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi Steve. Thanks for telling your story on this site. I'm really glad you want to be genuinely happy, and that you like putting smiles on people's faces. You are obviously a good person, who wants to make your corner of the world a better place. I know it's hard when people see you one way, and they are sure they're right about you. It almost seems sometimes like there's nothing you can do that will change how they see you.

But there is something you can do. And I'm going to tell you what it is.

First, let's take a look at these two parts of you.

1) Come up with an image--a picture in your mind, of the part of you that gets angry. He's not bad, he's just trying to protect you. He can, however, get you in a lot of trouble. He needs your help--he needs help from the good guy in you who sees the bigger picture. He can get tunnel vision sometimes. He's the reason that other people think you're a "bad guy."

2) Let the angry guy talk--what I mean by that is, get yourself a journal (blank book) and let him write in it. Get all of your anger out that way, and it won't be as likely to come out at other people as much--and it gives the angry guy inside you a place to let his feelings out.

3) Then, when you get to know him a little better, make friends with him--again, he's just trying to protect you, but you want that to happen in healthy, smart ways. Give him a big hug, and say these words to him: "Thanks for trying so hard to protect me. I really appreciate it. You're a fighter, and I respect that--but I don't want you being in charge without me being there to help you. We can do better working together." Then imagine you're taking him inside yourself--because he is a part of you, but he's not all of you.

4) Next, think about the good guy--the one who was just talking to the angry guy. He's the guy you want to be in charge, in order to keep the angry guy from getting out of hand. He is your genuine self, the person you really are that you want others to know better.

5) Keep the angry guy in your mind's eye when you're around other people. This is called, "See It, Don't Be It." This will help you stay in charge of your anger, and act more like the good guy that you really are.

Practice these exercises every day, Steve, as much as you can, and I guarantee you they will work for you! These are tools, like a good set of wrenches. If you use them, they will do you a lot of good. If you leave them on a shelf, they won't be any good to you at all.

I also want to encourage you to keep believing in yourself. You can be a motivational speaker, if you set your mind to that. And, as you pointed out, you have to take care of yourself first. Make your personal, emotional healing your top priority.

Speaking of emotional healing, here is a process that might help you with that:

1) Write down all of the times you have been hurt, scared or angry, going back as far as you possibly can in your memory. Those stories need to be written down.

2) Write in total and complete detail, leaving nothing out. Keep writing until you start to feel some relief.

3) Then, start writing from your anger (just like in the above exercise) every day. This gives it somewhere to go, instead of letting it just rattle around in your head. Don't hold back in your writing. When you start to feel some release and relief from this, take a look at what you've written. This really helps you to "hear" what the angry guy has to say.

4) Then, when you're feeling more calm from writing from the anger, write about what you feel grateful for from your past, what you appreciate in your present, and what you look forward to in the future. This will help you to shift your mood and your focus. Do this every day, as a way of "setting the tone" for your day. Writing the positive stuff also reminds you of who you really are--a good person.

5) Write about the positive aspects of all of the people in your life. Write about all of the things you like about them. This will help you keep your focus on what is the most important.

By the way, this writing is for your eyes only--unless you want to publish some of it on this site, which you can, if you want to.

My best to you, Steve

Dr. DeFoore