The Demon Monster Inside Of Me
(Albuquerque, NM. USA)
I shouldn't have to think this way or believe that I am never going to be adequate enough for this world. No matter what anybody says I'm not doing anything correctly and I'm only going to screw up.
"The dirt is worth more than you are!" I think this all the time. Even as a child, no one was there to tell me that that is wrong. Frustration builds as everybody else appears to live "the good life" without the angers and worries I have.
How come I have to live with the burden of knowing that I'll get stepped on for their own gains? What have I done to be forsaken and why can I not be redeemed!
Why am I not special and why does the anger never go away?
I always have to subside and bury the anger so deep no one can feel it, no one must see the monster inside of me.
Years more, and I married the perfect woman for me. We balance in perfect harmony in all senses. We are blessed with our first born coming but something is off and is seeping out of me.
No matter how many tears I weep, I can't stop the rage. I feel nothing, hear nothing, unable to do anything, fixed in a blood trance. And the woman I love is at risk! OUR UNBORN IS AT DANGER BECAUSE OF ME! I am the person they need to trust, to love and feel protected by. They are not supposed to have to be afraid of me.
It's been so many years since I first cried out into the void in pain, in heart ache, only to be met with silence. Like the god I believe in, no one answers me. Just the cold, black emptiness, emotionless, blank void of space sucks up my voice and I'm alone.
The people who should have raised me, created this thing, this demon, this monster and now they are gone and I must save myself, my family and my wife's love before it's all gone. Before it's too late.
This anger that takes hold of me has bled me dry of all emotions and has left me without compassion and love. How can people live this way? They don't, but I do.
How can I be victorious when I know nothing of the sort? With so many defeats to my name, the hope dwindles with even the sound of it. Suicide is not the answer, but why does it keep repeating in my head?
I'm not right. This monster is taking all of me.
So once more I scream into the darkness.
Help me. I am Worthy.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Damion, and thanks for telling your story here. Your feelings are very deep and intense. I respect the passion and sincerity of what you've written here, and I will try to help.
Be aware that you would not be reaching out for help here if you were not a good person who wants to improve. That's why the anger and rage you feel bothers you so much...it is not who you truly are. However, you are totally responsible for it. I hope that makes sense.
You speak of a monster, or demon inside. I understand what you mean by this. I have written a book that specifically addresses this, entitled Anger Among Angels -- just in case you're interested. I will also recommend some exercises that you can do that will help you to understand, heal and manage your anger.
Do all of the processes described on this page, with complete dedication and focus, and you will get good results. These are tools for self exploration, Damion, and the more you use them the better they will work for you. If you don't use them, or try them a few times and stop, they will not be beneficial to you.
One of the exercises involves visualizing your anger. That is where you can find the image of the monster inside. Just follow the guidelines, and I think it will help you.
The depth of your feeling and thought process is going to require a lot of focused introspection, Damion, but I think you'll find it very beneficial, and interesting. The inner universe is as vast as the outer, and the tools I'm recommending are keys to unlock the doors to that inner universe.
I know you love your wife, and want to protect her. And I know you want to provide a safe, loving home for your child that is on the way. You can do exactly that, if you set your mind to it.
Believe in yourself Damion, and the goodness in your heart.
My very best to you,
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