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Should I Marry Him Even Though He's Abusive?

by Anonymous
(Texas)


Hello. I am in deep love with a man who has shown me a different world.

I have two children from my previous relationship. I met my now fiancé about 4 years ago. He has an amazing career, he’s been a great father figure to my kids and he truly does go above and beyond for them.

We both have a mushy personality. We love hanging out together and cuddling and being with the kids. We aren’t big partiers and we are both in our late 20’s so that is also a plus for me. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he food shops, he helps with the kids, he does it all! He is amazing isn’t he?

But that same guy has a mean way with words when he is angry, and lately I feel like it doesn’t take much to get him upset. We’ve recently got engaged, and it feels like he breaks up with me so often.

We live together and I haven’t left this apartment once yet. But it feels unstable to me because I don’t know where I will be in a year from now. Will we be together or will I get kicked out?



I’m trying to enjoy the wedding planning but I don’t want to plan if our relationship isn’t healthy. How is it that this same amazing man who literally shows me so much love, also says mean things when angry, like calling me a bitch, etc?

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Oct 08, 2018
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Your Relationship Is Indeed Not Healthy
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for telling your story here. No matter how wonderful your fiance is at his best, that in no way excuses his abusiveness.

If you marry him, I assure you this will only get worse. He's getting the nonverbal message from you that his abusive behavior toward you is acceptable, because you are doing everything you can to please and accommodate him...as far as I can tell from what you've written here.

I highly recommend that you end this relationship, either permanently or temporarily, and get some help for yourself. You need to be very clear within yourself that no one who truly loves you would ever be abusive to you like he is. I know that's hard...but think about it.

When he's being mean, where is the love then? Did you know that the most dangerous calls police officers can make are domestic violence calls? Just because things seem so good some of the time does not in any way diminish or excuse or justify the abuse.

Make up your mind that you will only be in relationships where you are treated with kindness and respect at all times. That is the essential foundation for love to grow, which is of course what you want in a marriage.

All my best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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