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My husband and I have been married for 6 years, I always knew that he had a very bad temper and it got worse over time. I did not realize he was verbally abusive until one of his family members suggested that he was. He has had problems with drugs and alcohol.
If he had too much he was either passing out or angry, if he did not have enough he was angry and would always take his anger out on me. He is hypocritical, if he is not home I am not allowed to have anyone over. It has been a very long time since I have gone out with any of my friends, the last time I asked if he would mind if I had a girls night out we fought for 2 days even though I told him I would not go.
When he would get drunk would be the worst. If one thing didn't go his way he would become extremely angry and break things. I left him almost 2 years ago for a month. During that month he told me everything I wanted to hear and I wanted to believe him so I went back. When I got back it didn't take long for this to become even worse than what they were before. He blamed me, he said that fact that I left hurt his feelings and he was very resentful toward me and we fought almost constantly.
About 3 months of this and I was getting ready to leave him again when he got into an accident and shattered both of his ankles and was in the hospital for over a month. I didn't feel like I could leave him then because there was no one else to help him. The doctor said he would not be able to walk for at least a year so I stuck by him and did everything for him. Even though he was just as hateful and ungrateful as ever I stayed and took care of him. That was almost 2 years ago, he can walk now but is unable to work because cannot stay on his feet for very long and is still in a lot of pain.
Because he has not been able to work and disability has turned him down twice I was unable to support us financially on my pay alone. He has moved in with his mother and I have moved in with my parents. We are not "separated" but we are not living together because we cannot afford to. Ever since we have been apart he has been extremely nice to me and keeps telling me how sorry he is for everything he has put me through.
I visit him on weekends and I can see the way his mother acts toward him. She is normally a very happy-go-lucky person but she acts very resentful toward him. I believe he is treating me well because he knows I can cut him out of my life very easily now and is treating his mother the way he treated me. He keeps pressing the fact that he wants us to live together again asap but I told him that we are not financially ready and I am not ready. I told him that I am happier now than I have been in a long time, this upset him but he thanked me for being honest with him.
It seems very obvious what I should do but it is a very had decision to make. Divorce was not something I ever planned on growing up or when I got married but I don't know if he can change. Even if he can change I don't know if I can forgive everything he has already put me through.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. The simple answer to your question about giving him a 3rd chance is "no." But you already know that. The problem is that you keep doubting yourself and hoping that he will change. You're not alone in this, which is why I have a lot of web pages designed to help people in your exact situation.
Read the following page, and follow the recommendations that feel the best to you: how to deal with abusive relationships.
You are a good and worthwhile person, and you are worthy of happiness. You feel happy apart from your husband. That speaks volumes, and I suggest that you listen to your heart in this happiness you feel.
You will make the right decision for yourself.
My very best to you,
P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission.
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