Road Rage Battle - Hopeless And Fed Up
I'm a rule follower in life and that's no exception while on the road. I'd elect to go the speed limit and follow traffic laws as intended for all motorists and I do...until others don't.
My problems mainly result from poor emotional control and irrational thoughts which lead to poor behavior and the inevitable breaking of traffic laws in retaliation to those initially doing just the same - hypocritical I know.
Numerous driver behaviors trigger my need to retaliate; everything from tailgating, to passing in a no passing zone, to cutting me off, to honking, to simple engine revs which I interpret as "acts of war."
Rationally I've been told and know that drivers often (1) don't know what they're doing will upset another driver or (2) that drivers make mistakes or (3) that I don't know the driver's situation (maybe their wife is having a baby in the back seat on the way to the hospital), but in my head they're targeting me with their behavior.
I'd like to somehow correct the behavior I perceive as incorrect, but as there isn't really an effective way to confront another driver verbally without running them off the road, I find myself acting in a way which I think will scare them into not behaving that way again.
This behavior is often extreme and dangerous and has never led to an effective result, yet I still do it.
Yes, I should leave the law enforcement to the police but they're never there when the bad drivers are tailgating me or cutting me off etc., so I dislike this argument as I don't get to see karma kick their ass and that's what I want.
Ideally I'd go the speed limit and follow traffic laws and other would do the same and follow at a respectable distance and be considerate of other drivers and I'd be content and stress free while on the road. But this is so often not the case that I'm anticipating such a triggering event to occur every time I get in the car to the point where my anxiety has already got me triggered and ready to respond before anything has happened.
I essentially am angry the second I put the car in drive.
Furthermore people close to me in my life are expressing impatience with my "recovery" as, while incidents may be less frequent, they are just as bad, if not worse, than they've always been. I'm fearful of killing someone, killing myself, ending up in jail and/or losing the people in my life. Yet, the only thing that matters to me in the moment is retaliation.
I'm to the point where I'd like to sell my car and find some way of getting transportation everywhere I need to go, but it's not cheap or abundant where I live.
Hopeless best describes my feelings regarding my road rage now, as this behavior has been going on for so long and I've seen therapists and been to anger management yet my mindset is still the same.