Out Of Control Single Mom
I am the survivor of an alcoholic home, molestation, rape, and domestic violence. So yes, I am out of control! I hate people - they are all idiots. But somehow I still get taken advantage of because down deep I must believe that someone out there is good.
No one has been where I have been and no one can understand my resentment.
I have two young boys who unfortunately are stuck with me as their guidepost for life. My oldest is 4 and he has already figured me out - what buttons to push and when. I don't know how to control him and I am so pissed off that he doesn't understand "his place" as I did/do as a perfect daughter of an alcoholic.
Why don't they understand that Mommy works full time and has to do chores on the weekend! I don't have time to PLAY. I didn't play as a child why would I play now? Why can't they play with each other and leave me alone?
I try to set boundaries. I tell my son that I've set the timer and will play when the timer goes off, yet he continues to interrupt me so that I cannot get anything done. So now here I sit writing my woes because my blood pressure is off the charts and I feel like my head will explode if I don't puke up all these feelings.
Now he is upstairs yelling "mommy" and all I can think is "the neighbors will hear him" - so now that the anger has subsided, the guilt sets in.
The vicious cycle. More than likely I'll probably end up buying him something today simply reinforcing that if he acts up he gets what he wants in the end. He's winning right now. He completely has me distracted. The dishes aren’t started, the laundry isn't sorted and I'm obsessing about him.
Meanwhile I mentioned that I have 2 children...yeah, the 2nd one has to be independent because he gets no attention. He's quietly playing by himself because he can "read" mommy. He already is learning to cope - hello guilt trip x2!
OK reality check - I took 5 minutes for myself. Time to get back to being responsible.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hi, and thanks for telling your story here. I hope it helped you. If it did, you might want to keep writing on a regular basis, using the three journaling techniques described on this page.
You are obviously a very intelligent woman, who understands her problem but can't seem to solve it. I really encourage you to do the journaling. It will help you.
Also, take a look at this story by a single mom, and see if her story and my response are any help to you.
Don't give in to the bitterness. You have a wonderful heart in there, behind all of the wounds. Make up your mind to heal so that you can feel and act from your goodness.
My very best to you,
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