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New Husband Terrible Problems

by Megan

I found a new partner 4 years ago – we’re both in our 60s. He fell ill with cancer so we have had four years of difficulties - but coped well, I thought. He is very much better now health-wise.

Trouble is he is a huge drinker. I can't believe I didn't spot this - my own stepfather was an alcoholic - so I have been horrified to find myself with all the problems I thought I had seen the last of when I left home.

He belittles me, upsets my family to the extent that my daughter won't have anything to do with me and won't let me see my beloved granddaughter. I am violently angry (unfairly) with my daughter and her husband and often think of ways I could harm them - I have had to move abroad to get away from this temptation.

I have influenced him to cut his drinking down and stick to only beer (instead of the crazy mixtures he used to drink) so there has been some progress.

Ironically we both love the same things - travel, food, outings, pet , - I just wish we had met another time in our lives and maybe he wouldn't have become such a hardened drinker and so abusive.

He is a Scot too and they really know how to drink.

I would like to work this out but I am very unsure how to improve things or if I can. I am constantly suicidal and remind myself that every day is a day nearer the day I die, a day I can't wait for.

I just keep going because my son who is 26 sticks by me and I don't want to upset him.

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Jul 07, 2017
Focus On Your Own Emotional Healing
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Megan - Thanks for telling your story here. I'm sorry you're having this trouble in your marriage. I will try to help.

First of all, I'm concerned about you. The fact that your own anger has caused you to think harmful thoughts of your daughter and granddaughter, even to the point that you moved away to prevent yourself from acting on those thoughts.

This tells me that you're not appropriately acknowledging the amount of damage your husband is other words, your anger should be directed towards him, not your daughter. It sounds like your daughter is just trying to protect herself and her child from your husband.

Also, the fact that in your words, you are constantly suicidal is even more concerning. Please use these guidelines to understand and heal your own anger and emotional pain. This will help you to see clearly what you need to do as your next best step.

Regarding your husband's drinking, please be aware that you cannot have a healthy loving relationship with an alcoholic, which he clearly is. I'm sure you love each other, but I assure you that alcohol is his first love...and he's allowing it to destroy his family. You can't fix his drinking problem, only he can.

I hope this helps you, Megan. You are worthy of a healthy, respectful relationship.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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