My Life

by Tammy
(Westminster, Co)

Where to start? I guess I have always been messed up. Born in 1968 to parents who loved me but did not cherish me, I guess is where I will start.

My parents were total opposites. My mom a perfectionist and my dad laid back one minute and quite abusive to me the next. If I did something he thought was wrong, such as playing with a permanent marker (the metal kind), he would hit it with a hammer until it exploded all over me. Then he would make me scrub myself with a brillo pad, only to get a spanking after that.

I was sexually abused by my older cousin, and got the living crap beat out of me for that. Then at the age of 9, my dad's dad sexually abused me, and I knew if I ever told anyone it would be my fault. So nothing was said, and I began to spiral out of control.


At 12, I tried to take a bottle of aspirin. But then I was taken to the hospital and sent to family therapy, where I was scared to say anything for fear of being shunned by my family.

Then started the need to be loved at any cost--sex, abuse and being treated very badly by any and everyone who would even notice I was alive. I tried running but could not run fast enough to get away from the self loathing I felt.

As an adult, I question everything I do. I trust nothing I say or do. I have overdone it with my 12 year old daughter, I believe to make up for anything I feel that I did not get as a child. I have given up everything to be there for her and now it seems that was wrong too.

I am so confused, and need help to see where to go next. My daughter is everything to me and I can do nothing right. She seems to care about no one but maybe she does like me and cares too much. My husband of course is there, and has been for over 20 years, but our relationship has suffered much due to my issues. I need to save myself in order to save the ones around me.

Please help!



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi Tammy, and thanks for telling your story here. You apparently have a lot going for you, in spite of your problems and your issues. I'm sure you have built a self-image around the abuse you experienced as a child. And yet, that is not who you really are. You are not what happened to you. Who you are is reflected in your desire to be a good person, a good mother and a good wife to your husband. I will help you connect more directly with the good person you are, and do some healing work regarding your past.

When you were victimized as a child, you unavoidably took on shame about what was done to you--even though it was not your fault. We will address that in a minute.

First, I want you to begin your healing and access and activate your true, loving nature by doing the three journaling exercises on this page.

This will include writing about your childhood trauma, which is an essential step. This will take courage, but you can do it. I sense a strength in you. Be sure and write in total detail, and remember this is for your eyes only. You are beginning the healing just by writing.

In the third journaling exercise, as you write about what you're grateful for, what you appreciate, and what you're looking forward to, you will be thinking and expressing from the good person you truly are inside. Do this exercise every day at the beginning of the day, in order to get your day started right. Then, when you are getting off track during the day, do the exercise again. In your writing, be sure and express your gratitude and appreciation of yourself, your daughter and your husband.

Believe in yourself, Tammy. You are a good person, and you are worthy of a good life just because you're alive.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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