My Boyfriend Drinks Excessively And I'm Too Angry
I'm 22 years old and my boyfriend is also 22. We've been together for 6 years and I have a 4 year old daughter and pregnant with my 2nd. He can be the best guy ever but only if he could stop the drinking.
He does drink excessive amounts of alcohol and I don't know if it's something he will grow Out of because he is only 22? All I know is since I've became a parent I don't want my kids to have to grow up with that.
There's nights when I come home and he's wasted. I can't help myself and usually I get so angry that I wanna hurt him just as bad as he hurts me emotionally. I end up saying things I don't mean or I just become a big wreck and throw things that mean the most to him.
I don't know if it's him that's the problem or is it me that just has anger issues. We've had a bad past with his drinking since he was about 16. We've gone through him cheating, being abusive emotionally and physically and sometimes that's why I feel like I get so angry because of everything I've had to go through with his drinking.
Is this something he will grow out of or is this a serious problem? I feel like he's become an alcoholic because of me..maybe he feels that he grew up too fast and had kids too early. I don't know but I do love him or else I would not have put up with this for so long.
We've tried everything to help him slow down on his drinking but nothing seems to work. Like he does so good with slowing down then 2 weeks later he's back doing it again. Which causes us to have fights.
I'm very insecure because I feel as if I'm the one causing him to drink this way he might go and cheat again. I just don't want my kids around this but I do want to help him and help myself by not getting so angry like I do.
Any advice is good. I know I didn't give much detail but that's the short story of it all.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm glad you're focused on being a good parent. That is your primary responsibility, after your own personal well being. Your children need you to be a healthy parent, and they need to live in an emotionally and physically safe home.
It sounds like your boyfriend is deep into alcoholism. Six years of excessive drinking takes a person into the advanced stages of addiction. Nobody grows out of that. He either gets into serious recovery, or he doesn't. And it has to be his decision, not coming from you. He has to want it, and make the decision, or it won't work.
I suggest that you attend a local ALANON meeting, for people like you who are in a relationship with an alcoholic. They will help you to see clearly, and to make the decisions you need to make.
Please understand this: Nobody ever causes another person to drink excessively. Your boyfriend is 100% responsible for his drinking, period. And you are 100% responsible for your decisions and your anger. You didn't cause his drinking, and his drinking doesn't cause your anger. Accepting this is the first step to healing.
Regarding your anger, it will certainly help you to deal with it. As long as you go overboard with your anger, you will be doubting and questioning yourself instead of focusing on the more important problem of your boyfriend's alcoholism.
Use the tools on this FAQ page to understand and heal your anger. This will help you to feel more focused, and ready to make the next best steps.
You can do this. Believe in yourself. Make up your mind to create a safe, sober, loving home for your children. If your boyfriend is smart and strong enough, he will get sober and join you. If not, you may have to let him go.
My very best to you,
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