Mental And Emotional Abuse 2 Out Of 3 years
(Native Reserve British Columbia)
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and it feels like things are getting worse. There is a big age difference between us, about 11 years difference.
We both drink which makes things even worse because it is like he holds in most of his anger and lets it all out at the end of the night. We argue a lot while we aren't drinking, especially about small things.
Lately he thinks that I have an attitude problem but I don't see it. I know that a relationship has two sides, and I don't blame him for all of our problems. But things are getting out of control and I don't want to throw away a 3 year relationship. He has a lot of past issues with jail, super close loved ones passing away.
His ex-girlfriend of 7 years & her teenage daughter recently moved 30 minutes away (we broke up once for 4 months because they got back together), and his parents' divorce. How can I talk to him when he is yelling at me? What are some things that I should say? I try not to yell back at him while he is yelling in my face, but sometimes it is hard because we have been fighting for about 2 years of our relationship and things are very new to me still.
I haven't been in a serious relationship before, so I'm not sure how to deal with things. He always tells me to be a grown up and talk to him normally, which is annoying because I do my very best to be mature and grown up for my age.
Is this the end or can things be worked out? We are currently fighting and I haven't talked to him for about 2 days. Also I moved out of his home, and now live with my parents - I thought this would make things better but it doesn't feel like it.
We spend so much time together, and alot of his friends have moved away or settled down with their families. Could he be angry and take things out on me because no one is around to get mad at besides me?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Katt, and thanks for telling your story here. I appreciate the detail you provided in your story, which helps me to help you.
First of all, I want to emphasize that you won't have any success in managing your anger unless you quit drinking. Please read about the early warning signs of alcoholism, and I think you will see that you both are moving toward alcohol addiction, if you aren't already there.
I suggest that you stay separated until and unless you both join AA and get your sobriety established. Then you can begin your anger management, but only then. Anger management is a waste of time as long as alcohol abuse is going on.
Take care of yourself, Katt. And learn about nurturing your inner child, so that you can get strong in your focus on your own healing and well being.
Believe in yourself, and do the right thing for you.
My very best to you,
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