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Mental Abuse Is Painful

by Anonymous
(East Coast)

I met a man on Christian Mingle. He was a non-practicing Catholic and I'm a practicing Christian. We dated for 14 months. He recently broke up with me 2 months ago and I didn't expect it.

He told me many times that I'm "the perfect woman for him" and even asked me about engagement rings a few months prior. He broke up with me stating that "I'm too religious & need to find a Christian man." He wants nothing to do w/religion YET he is on Christian Mingle.

He claimed his Catholic beliefs are important to him...Yet...His behavior/actions showed me many times that he was lost & far from The Truth. We had some issues in our relationship. If we disagreed on something, he'd get angry and dominate the conversation. He was ALWAYS right and there was no consideration for my feelings.

Sometimes he'd get so mad and curse, tell me to get the f*ck out of his house, tell me that I'm brainwashed regarding my Christian beliefs etc. He'd blame me every time we'd have an argument. He was always right and I was wrong. It was rare that he would humble himself & apologize.

He'd use the silent treatment on me sometimes which really hurt me. One time he didn't talk to me for 5 days! I am angry at myself for not setting boundaries in the relationship. He damaged me so bad with his mental abuse. I'm wondering how I can get over this.

I find myself getting so angry & sometimes wishing he was dead. I know it's wrong but, I guess it's because I'm in so much pain. I don't think he even knows the damage he did to me & probably could care less.

How do I get over this? I am sure he's done this to other women. He's 48 and has never gotten married. I hope other women are smarter than I was and don't put up with what I did.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I think this will be helpful to others who may be involved or considering involvement in online dating programs. Actually, however, this applies to any kind of dating.

The main question I hear you asking here is, how could I have gotten myself into this, and how can I make sure I don’t do it again. I will try to help.

We choose relationships, and how to behave in relationships, for a lot of subconscious reasons. You will benefit from taking some time to look at your past patterns in relationships, going all the way back to your relationships with your parents. It is possible to break those patterns, and until you do, you will most likely continue to repeat them.

Here are some steps to take in a journaling process:

1) Describe your parents’ marriage, and their individual personalities. Notice how you are different and similar, and any similarities between your relationships and their marriage.
2) Take a look at your own beliefs about men, women, and relationships. Be sure and write about the best and the worst of these beliefs…some are healthy, and some will just cause you problems.
3) Begin clarifying what you want (in a relationship) in your mind. Since your faith is important to you, pray to be guided to this type of relationship.

The bottom line here is that you need to be a healthy, happy, balanced person to create a relationship that is healthy, happy and balanced. Start with yourself.

You can do this.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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