Here is the situation. My boyfriend of 8 years asked me to marry him, then all of a sudden I found out there was another girl involved. She is 19 and young enough to be our daughter. My boyfriend and I have a four year old.
I am angry at him for betraying me, lying to me and all that goes with a hidden relationship. I am angry at her because 19 years old or not, she knew what she was doing. I resent the both of them. I want to get along with both of them for the sake of our daughter, but I just can't seem to let go of this anger. Every time I see them both, I want to make them feel as bad as I do. Can you help?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Melissa, and thanks for telling your story on this site where others can benefit. It is great that you want to control your anger, and that you're concerned about your daughter's welfare.
What I don't understand is:
1) Why are you seeing this girl--is your boyfriend still seeing her?
2) Are you trying to accept his relationship with her?
3) Have you broken up with him?
Assuming you're no longer involved with your boyfriend (which is the only way this will work), you are wise to try to get along with both of them, since your daughter would definitely be affected. Not knowing the answers to my questions above, I will assume that you have broken up with him. From what little you have shared here, that seems to be the smartest thing to do.
With that in mind, I recommend you try these approaches:
1) It will also help you manage your anger to do all of the journaling processes on this page on a daily basis.
3) Move forward with your own life, and do not let yourself focus on them any more than absolutely necessary. If you do the journaling regularly, that should free you up to begin creating some positive experiences for yourself, and eventually to move on to create a positive relationship with someone who will treat you with respect and honor as you deserve.
Keep your focus on you and your daughter, focus on the positive aspects of your life, and move ahead. You can do this!
My very best to you,
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