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Losing Control Completely

by Brooke

I'm fifteen years old and I can't hold it in much longer. I was abused when I was 13. My parents really didn't care (resulting in my loss of respect for them), and I didn't do anything for two years. I've been on the "safe side" for a year, with no abusive people, but I'm starting to lose a lot of control.

When I was fourteen a boy made up some sex joke about me and I lost it. I chased him to the other side of the room and tripped him and kicked him in his shin a few times. When I saw that he was grabbing his leg and his head was wide open for some shots, I went to kick his head.

By the grace of God, he turned his head just in time. I skimmed his ear and made it bleed a little, and he laid on the floor crying (yes, literally crying) for 5 minutes. I went to a table and sat with some "friends" and felt completely relaxed.

Working out does help, when things start loading up. But lately, it's just been one thing after another.

I refuse to see a therapist. That's just embarrassing. Not cute.

"What did you do today babe?"
"Just went to my therapist for my anger issues"

Yeah, no.

What are some good tricks to calm me down? Breathing doesn't work. I've tried it.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Brooke, and thanks for telling your story here. I get it that you want some tricks to calm down, and you don't want to see a therapist or try any breathing techniques. I will try to help.

I don't know any tricks, and even if I did, they would only help you for a little while, then they would stop working. That's because your anger is there for a reason, and until you deal with the underlying cause for your anger, it will keep coming back.

If you're still reading this, that means you might be open to trying something that will really help you. You said you were abused when you were 13, and your parents didn't care. That's big. First there was the abuse, which was bad enough, but then there was the total abandonment from your parents when they found out about it. I can understand why that would cause you to lose respect for them.

So, inside, you feel all alone to deal with the abuse and its effects. And you're angry about that. You're angry that you were abused, and you're angry that your parents abandoned you instead of standing up for you. That anger makes good sense, and it's there for very good reasons. The question now is, what do you do with all of that anger?

You're a smart girl, Brooke, and you're tough. I think you're smart and tough enough to face your own pain and heal it. It's a lot easier to just react to what's going on around you than it is to deal with your own internal pain.

Anyway, if you want to do it, here's how:

First, do the "trauma writing" exercise on this page, and the anger journaling that follows. This will help you review the abuse and abandonment and any other trauma you may have experienced, and get your anger out in a healthy way at the same time. This is for you, Brooke, and has nothing to do with anybody else. You either do this for yourself, or you don't.

The anger journaling exercises will really help you, just to give you somewhere to "put" your anger, so it's not rattling around so much in your head.

You have a tough girl self image, Brooke. If you're too attached to that, you may not be willing to give up your anger, and it may continue to be a problem for you. I want you to consider that you will be stronger and smarter after you do this work, even though you may also give up some of the tough girl image.

It's all up to you. If this fits, use it. If not, forget about it and do what feels right to you.

Either way, I wish you all the best in your life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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