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Hello. I was seventeen when my mother died of cancer and I am now 38. I still feel anger deep inside confused with fear and a sense of abandonment. I miss her so much, especially since now I am raising children of my own and often long for her to be here.
I hope the anger will go away because at times I feel it's destroying me. I think this month there will be a turning point as I am searching for ways to be more open again to love.
Thanks for letting me share.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I think you're right on target with your efforts to be more open to love.
Your anger is just a deep and strong "No!" response to your mother's death. You are saying no to the pain, and the absence of her in your life, and that is completely understandable.
If you're interested in trying something to help you let go of your mother, I suggest the following:
1) Write down everything you loved about her. Go into total detail, and leave nothing out.
2) Then picture her in front of you, and tell her thank you for all of those wonderful gifts, and tell her that you now claim them as your own.
3) Then write down all of the things that were not right about the relationship. Recognize your mother's shortcomings and limitations. This is essential if you're going to let her go, and get free of the anger. If you are not able to see her shortcomings, you are making her something more than human, and you will not be able to let her go. She was human, and had her flaws like the rest of us.
4) Then tell her (in your mind's eye) that you love and accept her exactly as she is, and say goodbye to her. Release her to be with God (whatever your interpretation of that is), and release yourself to be the kind of person you choose to be.
5) Then use the three journaling processes on this page to become more aware of your emotions and start shifting to a positive perspective about yourself and your life.
Love is who you are, where you started, and where you're going. The love between your mother and you will always be there. Everything else can go.
Now it is time to love yourself as much as you loved your mother.
My very best to you,
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