It's Getting Frightening
Hi Dr DeFoore, and thanks for putting up this site to help people in my situation. Anger is a taboo issue for so many women as we are conditioned from such a young age to cater to the needs of other people and wear a sweet "presentable face." In public I wear this smiling face but in private I am seething with rage.
I was abused in a physical manner as a child. My family had a good standing in the city we lived in and from an observer's point of view we seemed to have so much. In reality my father was a closet alcoholic and violently abusive towards me. I ran away to the streets at age 14 and moved in with a 25 year old man. At first he seemed like a source of safety and security to me. I did not understand the relationship was abuse of a minor child.
At age 16 my boyfriend held a gun to my head and when he saw no fear in my eyes turned the gun on himself, smiled and promptly shot himself in front of me. I developed PTSD from the child abuse and his gruesome suicide. As a result, my finances are a mess and I am in a toxic marriage.
This man speaks to me as if he is speaking to a retarded child, he accuses me of affairs without basis, he ran up bills in my name, and trashed my name at my place of work. If my illness ( PTSD and arthritis) were under control and I could work full time I would leave this toxic man in a second.
As of late the rage in me is quietly building and building and it seems to have a life of its own. I have made two very serious suicide attempts in 3 years. My anger really scares me and I feel I can't really talk about it and the shame and stigma, because this kind of rage is not usually associated with females. Please help.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. As you well know, anger is not gender specific...it is totally understandable that you have tremendous rage inside you, after what you've been through.
You have a lot going on, and I will suggest some things that will hopefully help.
I encourage you to read this page on PTSD, and follow all of the healing processes recommended there. The journaling is especially important, as it gives you a chance to revisit your trauma in a safe and controlled manner. You will also find guided imagery processes described there that will be very helpful to you in dealing with the childhood abuse and witnessing your boyfriend's suicide.
When you say that your rage has a life of its own, I know what you mean. I've seen this happen many times, and there are some things you can do about this. Take a look at this exercise, which will help you bring your rage into consciousness where you can heal it and transform it into healthy anger.
Regarding your marriage, I suggest you select "All Relationships" from the menu bar on the left of this page, and you'll find a lot of support there.
I can tell that you are a good and intelligent person. You have goodness and healing capacity inside you. Believe in it, focus on it, use these tools I've offered, and you should experience some benefit.
Believe in yourself, and infinite power of healing that is at the core of your being.
My very best to you,
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