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It Only Hurts When He's Mad

by Manda
(Phoenix, AZ)

How can I fix a relationship if I feel it has been contaminated beyond repair? I moved a significant distance, away from family and support, to be with the person I believed I loved.

He's hurtful physically and mentally. When trying to work things out I am now under the impression that being vulnerable will only add another tool to his belt when it comes to hurting me.

We now have an infant, only 3mo old. A while back after taking me down to the ground he said he wanted a divorce. In my mind, saying those words he seemed to have checked out. He then told me to take our daughter and he'd send my things home or I can meet him in a half way state and get my things.

Whenever I wasn't in tears he would come back and reduce me to tears again...only to again leave. He has trust issues, has it in his head whenever he's mad that I'm an evil person and it's like "kill or be killed", when I expose vulnerability he manipulates it.

I'm afraid of him, I’m dependent on him and to save face (his more than mine) I cannot discuss this with anyone else. I have no friends, I'm a stay at home mom, I have no money...I've become really depressed, thinking I’m not deserving of anything.

Not saying this is all him...I add fuel to the fire with my passive aggressive behavior at times. I've acknowledged what I bring to the table and work on that, but it's as though he's afraid to be human--to be flawed. He lacks empathy, never shows remorse, projects blame, demands compliance.

I've told him for his next wife he needs to buy her a collar rather than a ring because he seems like what he needs more is a dog, a person who accepts and is willing to be put on the back burner, a person who is okay with not meaning anything important to him and will happily take the blame so he can continue looking like a saint.

He has never hit me...just pushed me, jerked me, grabbed me, put me on the ground and choked me out. I've lost consciousness once. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse and I don't want a divorce. I love him but when he's mad I utilize the only tools I know how to use, mostly avoidance.

Our communication is greatly flawed and I've tried everything. I've suggested counseling, talked it out...but I feel alone. I've read entries in a journal I have to try and get him to understand and when he found that I had pictures of bruising from him grabbing me and putting me on the floor he was all about deleting the pictures.

He'd rather me look like a raving lunatic crying wolf if I ever reported him than to gain understanding that there's a reason I'm afraid of him. I want to fix this but maybe the thing I need most is for someone to say I'm stupid for staying and need to leave.

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May 11, 2015
For The Sake Of Your Child And Yourself
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Manda

I know this is hard, but your thinking sounds clear. You already know you should leave. This is not going to get better. This man is not safe or healthy enough for you and your child.

Seek whatever help is available locally for abused women and children, and get yourself into shelter as soon as possible. It doesn't sound like he will pursue sounds like he's trying to get you to leave.

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your child, who is already being affected, I assure you.

Act now, and don't hesitate.

I know you will do what's best for yourself and your child. Trust yourself and take action.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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