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Is My Relationship Doomed?

by Charlotte
(Canada)



I first met my fiancé in 2014. He seemed so charming & we feel head over heels almost immediately. But it changed fast.

I noticed how he would get jealous if I talked to male friends on my phone & also he told me that I shouldn't have male friends at all & said I have to delete the male people of social media & my contacts who aren't family. I felt bad, I couldn't do anything without telling him first.

We broke up a few months later & then got back together in 2015 we are engaged. Some things have changed. He doesn't get mad when I go to the gym anymore (before he made me stop going) he is on his phone a lot & when I tell him it bothers me he dismisses me.

Also when he drinks it's like he becomes very irritable. 2 weekends ago at the movie theatre he accused me of looking at another guy when I wasn't. He got very mad & said hurtful things. I decided to leave. He tried calling me the next day, asking if we were really going through with this. He didn't even apologize. I told him that he should apologize then later he did but it didn't seem sincere.

He said he would stop drinking but he's promised that before. He says he knows he needs to show me more affection & love & spend less time on his phone but I don't know if it will last. I just feel like I love him so much but at times I don't feel loved. Is it normal to feel like that?

He also has a very negative attitude at times. He is critical, he expects so much from me like taking care of the house & the dog & the kids. I have 2 kids, he had one. Sometimes he seems very strict with the kids. I don't know how I feel right now but a lot of the time in my gut I feel like it's not right. But also I've never been in a relationship with someone where we actually live together & are together all the time.

I don't know if I'm needy & expect too much from him, or if he's the problem. He says things like I never want you checking out other guys because I wouldn't want you to be making them feel good about themselves. I'm confused. I suggested he get help before we start moving forward together. He says that I should be there for him & go to counselling with him. Also he thinks he has no problem with alcohol & it only happens sometimes when he drinks too much. But he thinks he's okay when it's only a few drinks (sometimes it is).


Am I allowed to have males on my social media page? Am I allowed to have friends or talk & keep in touch with guys who I've known from school even though we weren't great friends? When we argue a lot of the time he just tells me to leave him alone & I feel like I have to beg him to forgive me & admit it's my fault. He gets very distant. There have been times when I didn't answer my phone because it was off or I was busy & didn't hear it & he explodes. But that has gotten better.

A lot has gotten better so does that mean everything else will? I told him that I've been researching emotional abuse & he does a lot of the things that are on the lists. He told me I'm filling my head with nonsense & that I need to be trying to fix this relationship instead of looking for reasons to end it. What needs to be done to help mend & make this relationship work?

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Aug 17, 2016
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It's A Matter Of Trusting Yourself
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Charlotte

Your story is very clear. You already know the answers to your questions, but you are not willing to trust yourself.

You researched verbal abuse. You have a gut feeling that things are not right. You are concerned about your fiance's drinking (he clearly meets the criteria for signs of alcoholism). You are concerned about how he treats your children. You are asking questions that start with, "Am I allowed to..."

What I want you to understand is that if you don't trust yourself, then anyone who wants to can manipulate and abuse you. Your fiance clearly has a lot of problems...and your problem is that you don't see his problems clearly, and that you question yourself.

From what you've written here, all indications are that this relationship is only going to get worse, regardless of how it may have improved in the short term.

Trust yourself. Protect your children. Only be in relationships where you are respected and allowed to be yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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