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Is It Worth Hoping For Change In A New Relationship?

by Dani



I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months almost on the dot and a few days ago there was a massive blow up on his end that was scary and something I had never seen from him. We were having a great night and out of the blue he became hostile and started jabbing at my insecurities when I tried to make a joke.

I told him I was hurt and he called me names and said I was over sensitive. I removed myself from the situation and it got more intense and weirder. He would throw insults at me from the other room and then came in and would kiss me and tell me how much he loved me. When I wouldn't reciprocate identically (I said I love you but not when you're like this) he slapped me hard.

I've never been hit by him. I yelled at him and told him that I was leaving. He then said to indulge him because he needed to teach me something. After rummaging in his closet for a while he came back with a ring, a broach and a revolver.

I was terrified and told him to put the gun away but he said I needed to learn. He had me put the ring on him and told me a story about it being his grandmother’s and how much it meant to him. Eventually he clarified that I needed to learn about guns and that I wasn't going home because I was going to go out with him and fire the gun in the backyard.

I kept begging with him to put it away and to let me go home but he wouldn't. After that we went to bed and in the morning I asked him if he remembered, and he said no and asked if we fought. I told him he hit me and took out a gun and he said "I'm sorry for all that," and when I pushed farther he said "look I already said I'm sorry".

I met with him the next day to discuss what happened. He seemed mortified and didn't remember any of it. He said in the morning he was still drunk and didn't really process what I said, and that no one deserves to be treated the way I was. The guy was close to tears and said what hurts him most is he ruined a good thing.

He said he doesn't think I'll ever be able to trust him again. I think he has insecurity about control and power because each time I rejected his attempts to get me show him love or to control me he escalated things. Which is why he would kiss me then hurt me. I told him we need a month apart, the gun needs to go, and he needs to seek therapy for something that is clearly a deep seated issue within himself.


He agreed completely and said whether I stay or go, he will seek counseling. My question now that I've had more time to my own thoughts is whether this is worth it. The blow up made me take stock of his treatment of me before this happened.

There were small flare ups of manipulative behavior and control on his end but nothing like this. He also seems very willing to change and I love him. But will me staying endanger any of his change? Will it endanger me? And is a 5 month relationship really worth this risk?

I love the guy and the relationship has been more real than any I've had, but anyone I ask has said run and logically my mind says to leave. My heart just doesn't want to, and the fact that he was so affected when I told him and that he was so receptive to help makes me want to try.

How will I know what to look for if I stay and how will I be assured something like this never happens again?

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Jul 21, 2017
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Run As Fast As You Can!
by: Anonymous

You are 5 months into a relationship with someone you went through all that with and you are contemplating remaining with him? Run as fast as you can.

This is the exact reason why we date people to see who they are and what their character is about and if they are or are not a good fit for us.

Why would you purposely put yourself in more unexpected harms way? You are what is most important in this 5 month relationship.

Take heed of the warning signs and find yourself someone that doesn't play with guns when drunk and hits you and intimidates you.

Value the woman that you are and your safety and well being over his.

Jul 20, 2017
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It's Good That You're Asking For Input On This
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Dani - Please understand that you are in a very dangerous situation. It has nothing to do with love.

The fact that he was drunk, pulled out a gun, and told you he needed to teach you some things...that's all you need to know.

No amount of apologies, regret, or commitment to seek help is enough to keep you safe. 99% of abusers express regret after the abuse...it means nothing.

You don't have to figure out whether he's going to change or not. You just have to make sure you're safe, and he has shown you in no uncertain terms that you are not safe with him.

Please act wisely, and take care of yourself by getting out of this relationship.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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