I'm Concerned I May Be In Danger

by Ada
(Canada)

I am attractive, not old, fit, financially in the top 5%. Self-made. Yet if you look in my eyes I'm carrying around this almost constant sadness. It's not my way. I'm by nature happy go lucky.

I'm married to an abuser. He's clever. Frequently boasts about his IQ. I weigh about 118, he's a stocky 195. Last night he punched me in the face. He apologized today, said it was a mistake, that he stumbled. It wasn't, but I'm afraid to report it. Why?

He calls me names for days, follows me around putting me down. I lose it. He records me yelling. Says he will ruin me if I try anything.

A few years ago I had a restraining order. Every time I went out my car was vandalized. And he took thousands from our company account. The judge granted him communication with me to return it in installments. I let him back in. His parents were dying of old age and he explained his moods were over that.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I believe his anger is medical. It’s predictable. If he's uncomfortable, or stressed, I feel it coming and then it knows no logic. It’s like arguing with a bratty 8 year old. The odd thing is, between these episodes he's the sweetest, most helpful guy. Funny, generous. When it's over he's actually quite tolerant.

Of course at this point, I'm annoyed and he's calm. Blames it all on me. Seems calm today about us splitting up. Sometime he cries, bawls, and in the process things calm down before it blows over.

His outbursts are often over an irrational adoration or sadness over one of his parents. When they were alive I noticed he wasn't that particularly kind to them. Sometimes he adores me too, brags about his "sweet little wife" then later drags me through the coals.

I wasted a good part of life over this guy and hurt my two kids’ lives in the process. I'm looking for the silver lining. I would love to know more about other peoples’ stories.

Last night was a threshold and lately he's been spiraling frequently, every 3 weeks or less. Am I in danger?