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I'm Concerned I May Be In Danger

by Ada

I am attractive, not old, fit, financially in the top 5%. Self-made. Yet if you look in my eyes I'm carrying around this almost constant sadness. It's not my way. I'm by nature happy go lucky.

I'm married to an abuser. He's clever. Frequently boasts about his IQ. I weigh about 118, he's a stocky 195. Last night he punched me in the face. He apologized today, said it was a mistake, that he stumbled. It wasn't, but I'm afraid to report it. Why?

He calls me names for days, follows me around putting me down. I lose it. He records me yelling. Says he will ruin me if I try anything.

A few years ago I had a restraining order. Every time I went out my car was vandalized. And he took thousands from our company account. The judge granted him communication with me to return it in installments. I let him back in. His parents were dying of old age and he explained his moods were over that.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I believe his anger is medical. It’s predictable. If he's uncomfortable, or stressed, I feel it coming and then it knows no logic. It’s like arguing with a bratty 8 year old. The odd thing is, between these episodes he's the sweetest, most helpful guy. Funny, generous. When it's over he's actually quite tolerant.

Of course at this point, I'm annoyed and he's calm. Blames it all on me. Seems calm today about us splitting up. Sometime he cries, bawls, and in the process things calm down before it blows over.

His outbursts are often over an irrational adoration or sadness over one of his parents. When they were alive I noticed he wasn't that particularly kind to them. Sometimes he adores me too, brags about his "sweet little wife" then later drags me through the coals.

I wasted a good part of life over this guy and hurt my two kids’ lives in the process. I'm looking for the silver lining. I would love to know more about other peoples’ stories.

Last night was a threshold and lately he's been spiraling frequently, every 3 weeks or less. Am I in danger?

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Apr 04, 2017
You Are Worth A Happy Life
by: Anonymous

My dear you are mentally, physically and spiritually being abused and like you said it is now falling on your children. What example have you given to them if not for taking care of yourself? How are you showing them what a healthy relationship looks like?

If it's ok for mommy to be treated so badly then it must be ok for them to think likewise. You know how impressionable children are. You are the adults that teach your children about life and love and respect.

Since one of you is dangerous and not capable of that healthy parenting role then that is where you should be taking over for both of you. I can't imagine ever being in a scenario more than once that I am punched in the face by a man of that size and still living in the same environment as them. And as a matter of fact I did have an ex, who when I was about 22 he was so drunk he knocked out the guy that was sitting next to me talking to me and then my ex wound up hitting me too. How appalling.

I am a very independent proud women and would never allow myself to be treated that way. You have the financial means to get out so why are you holding on? We don't punch people in the face we love. And we do not continue loving people that are physically and mentally abusive unless we ourselves need some professional help.

You are blinded by something for some reason. Seek counseling for the sake of yourself and children. A husband is supposed to protect his wife and children and not put them in harm’s way. I think you seriously need to re-evaluate your relationship with this man. I would run not walk.

Apr 03, 2017
You Have Already Answered Your Question
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello Ada - Generally speaking, if you think you may be in danger, then you probably are.

However, you have already been assaulted by your husband. There is no longer a question as to whether you're in are.

You can read other visitors' stories, and my response, right here.

Keep in mind that these situations usually escalate, unless the perpetrator gets some very focused, intense professional help. In other words, it will probably get worse unless there is some type of significant intervention, and it has to come from him...not you.

Please take the necessary action to keep yourself safe.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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