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I'm Concerned About Myself

by Anonymous

Dr. DeFoore, thanks for your site. It's great. Since I've started to think about anger though, I'm finding I'm getting angry. Furiously angry. I don't like it one little bit. I don't know what to do with it and sometimes I drink, not hugely but that is unsettling.

I feel like I've lost control. Also, I went out with a guy recently--all smiles, etc. He told me I look angry and bitter. I was so hurt. He is a big drinker and I'm wondering if this was just his own crap. I look at myself though and I am angry.

The closest people to me have done terrible things to me. Everything I said to my mother for instance became a trap, if you can understand that. She would capitalize on every little vulnerability to hurt me, and then use it against me.

I've just realized this is a big reason why I try to hide myself in life, from everyone.

This guy saying that really really unsettled me and I feel angry about it. That in itself is annoying because it proves what he said was true. Any suggestions?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thank you so much for sharing your story on this site. Your honesty and responsibility is refreshing, and will help people who read what you've written.

Of course you don't like your anger--it's not designed to feel good. It's there for a reason, and the reason is that something's wrong. Your anger is part of the solution. If your anger could speak, it would say something like, "Hey! I don't like this! I've got to fix it!" The problem is that anger in itself is not intelligent--it's just an emotional reaction. You have to apply your brilliant mind to actually come up with a solution.

You have excellent insight about your past, and how your mother used your vulnerability to trap you--and how that has led you to isolate yourself from others as an adult. Very good--now you can do something about that. Awareness is the first step to change.

Here's what I suggest:

1) Write a full, detailed account of what your mother did to you. You can write it on this site if you like, so that others can learn from your healing process. Just writing this down will help you a lot, I promise. It also might bring up some more anger.

2) So, to help you release the toxic part of your anger...if you haven't already done so, sign up for our Healing Anger newsletter, and you will receive a free download of the Anger Management Techniques Ebook. Use those techniques consistently, and you will get some relief. Or, if you want more in depth information, you can buy one of these books or one of these CDs or audio download programs.

3) Anger never goes away, because it is a part of our humanness--but it can be healthy! Healthy anger is nothing less than powerful emotional energy to help you do what needs to be done and create the life you choose!

I have a strong feeling that you are a good person, and that's why you are concerned about yourself, and that's why you reached out in this way on this site.

Keep striving to be who you know you really are. You are not a result of what has happened to you. You are that wonderful person you really want to be, deep inside.

My best to you on your journey of self-discovery,

Dr. DeFoore

Comments for I'm Concerned About Myself

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Aug 04, 2012
My parents wont give me a break.
by: Anonymous

I’m so stuck and they are so mad at me I get upset easily.
This is not easy to take I’m so upset, I’m mad at myself for what I did but they jump to conclusions and won’t hear my side of the story. They won’t talk to me or even say that love me I’m 16 and don’t have many friends because they won’t let me go out of the house. They’re venting I know but I can’t sit here and cry anymore. I’m mad because I let it get this far but I can’t go without a mom’s love and my dad’s spirit. It’s not I’m a bad person, I’m a kid—I’ll make mistakes and they need to understand that they don’t have to scream and hurt me.

May 10, 2009
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments Anonymous. I have learned the awesome power that comes to you as a result of forgiveness and I have forgiven my mother and I pray for her.

However, the damage that was done to me CONTINUOUSLY my whole life through her is finished. It is enough. I have borne the brunt of her sadism, her inability to love (actually the thought of her loving me is utterly disgusting), her trouble-making, her jealousy and her insanity. It is ENOUGH now.

As Rose said in one of her posts, you can't just walk away from PTSD, sometimes you're okay, sometimes you're not and that's okay. I have to live with the results of my taking my mother's anger for the rest of my life. I did it as a victim, I did it fearfully. I grew up and then I did it bravely, I did it like a martyr, I did it forever and that is enough. It was no small suffering and I will not reduce it so it means nothing. I will do whatever I have to for myself now to try and salvage some life for myself. Enough for her. Enough.

I DO understand what you're saying and I am grateful for the reminder. I will work more on forgiveness of all the things that have hurt and that do hurt in my life. I have poured caring out onto my mother, I have poured it out onto others all my life, I KNOW I have offered the best person I could be to her and it only made her angrier. It only made her desire to hurt me greater.

Now it's time for me. Not selfishly but I have decided that the inner spiritual being that has been a tower of strength and love and support on many occasions to others can also now love me. As that being has rescued others, now it has rescued me. It has picked me up and in loving arms, taken me away from the pain, the endless pain that served no purpose. I can allow this to happen AND forgive my mother. In fact, it's the best solution. Slowly, slowly, gently, kindly now I can heal.

Of course I'm hurt and angry when I offer the best and get dirt thrown in my face. What I have to do now is learn to forgive myself - I think that's the key.

May 09, 2009
by: Anonymous

I also had a deep resentment for the things my mother has done to me. I have noticed over the years that she feels better after she has let all of her anger out on me. It's a release for her, but it is very unhealthy for me. It's as though she's feeding on me.

I have to forgive her. I forgive her for me and not her. I have come to expect that she will be ready to "feed" when I come to see her and somehow that helps me to cope with her anger that she is transferring to me. It's like if you know before-hand that you're going to be insulted, then it's much easier to take. I always expect to be treated unfairly so it's no big shock. She is never going to change so I change. I forgive. I am still and notice the anger and "watch" it and it leaves me.

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