I'm Concerned About Myself
Dr. DeFoore, thanks for your site. It's great. Since I've started to think about anger though, I'm finding I'm getting angry. Furiously angry. I don't like it one little bit. I don't know what to do with it and sometimes I drink, not hugely but that is unsettling.
I feel like I've lost control. Also, I went out with a guy recently--all smiles, etc. He told me I look angry and bitter. I was so hurt. He is a big drinker and I'm wondering if this was just his own crap. I look at myself though and I am angry.
The closest people to me have done terrible things to me. Everything I said to my mother for instance became a trap, if you can understand that. She would capitalize on every little vulnerability to hurt me, and then use it against me.
I've just realized this is a big reason why I try to hide myself in life, from everyone.
This guy saying that really really unsettled me and I feel angry about it. That in itself is annoying because it proves what he said was true. Any suggestions?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thank you so much for sharing your story on this site. Your honesty and responsibility is refreshing, and will help people who read what you've written.
Of course you don't like your anger--it's not designed to feel good. It's there for a reason, and the reason is that something's wrong. Your anger is part of the solution. If your anger could speak, it would say something like, "Hey! I don't like this! I've got to fix it!" The problem is that anger in itself is not intelligent--it's just an emotional reaction. You have to apply your brilliant mind to actually come up with a solution.
You have excellent insight about your past, and how your mother used your vulnerability to trap you--and how that has led you to isolate yourself from others as an adult. Very good--now you can do something about that. Awareness is the first step to change.
Here's what I suggest:
1) Write a full, detailed account of what your mother did to you. You can write it on this site if you like, so that others can learn from your healing process. Just writing this down will help you a lot, I promise. It also might bring up some more anger.
2) So, to help you release the toxic part of your anger...if you haven't already done so, sign up for our Healing Anger newsletter, and you will receive a free download of the Anger Management Techniques Ebook. Use those techniques consistently, and you will get some relief. Or, if you want more in depth information, you can buy one of these books or one of these CDs or audio download programs.
3) Anger never goes away, because it is a part of our humanness--but it can be healthy! Healthy anger is nothing less than powerful emotional energy to help you do what needs to be done and create the life you choose!
I have a strong feeling that you are a good person, and that's why you are concerned about yourself, and that's why you reached out in this way on this site.
Keep striving to be who you know you really are. You are not a result of what has happened to you. You are that wonderful person you really want to be, deep inside.
My best to you on your journey of self-discovery,