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I am a female in a relationship with a female I have been verbally abusive to. My girlfriend for about 2 or 3 years told me she has got to the point where she's fed up, she can't take no more, she deserves better and she's moving on.
I've been trying to stop for a long time, because I know it hurts our relationship and pushes her away from me. And I hate to see her hurt because I love her.
She's been telling me I am bipolar or need to go to anger management, and I never went. I keep telling her over and over again I'm going to stop, but every time I get mad at her I throw other girls up in her face and tell her I don't want to be with her. I call her names, tell her I want her out of my life etc.
I didn't do this when we first started dating, it started 2 or 3 years ago and it's gotten worse. I don't know what to do to fix this. I know I saw my dad be verbally abusive to my mama when I was a little girl, calling her names. I think that's a big part of why I do it to her.
She thinks that I try to hurt her, and that I don't love her. But I don't blame her, I know it's only so much someone can take. Verbal abuse can be worse than physical, and I know it hurts her so bad.
I want to change, stop telling her I want to be with other girls, etc. I mean it's a lot of issues in our relationship that need to be worked out, trust issues, etc. I want to start here, and work my way on to to the other things that need to be fixed. I know it's going to take time and a lot of work. I know I'm going to lose her if things don't change.
I love her I don't want to lose her. Can you help me? Thanks.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Chandra, and thanks for telling your story here. Congratulations to you for taking this action, and taking responsibility for your anger. That's the first step.
If you follow all of the steps described on #1 and #9 this page, you will find that you will slowly but surely be able to better control your anger. You can also do some work toward letting go of your parents' influence (#9).
You are right that it will take a while, and you're right about your anger management being the first step.
Keep at it, and you can do this--you can be the kind, respectful person you want to be.
My very best to you,
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