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I think I'm In An Abusive Relationship And There's A Lot Of Drinking

by Lena
(Australia )

I've been dating this sweet, gentle, caring man for 8 months now and once there's alcohol involved its a whole new world between G & I. He has serious anger issues, he makes me feel sorry for all his faults, and all that I have done to him.

He had invited me to his friends wedding and we both had alcohol in our system but we were been loving and chatting. I met all his buddies & got along very well. We got invited to a bar from the guy we met on our table and G. Wanted to go so we said yes. Time went past, I visited the ladies room and told him all the girls and I were all exchanging numbers next thing I know the party had ended I walked up the stairs and he was angry at me as he had to wait for me and couldn't go partying with all the guys.

we walked home and as soon as we got home he was blaming me for everything. The next time was the time I locked him out of his own apartment as we had another argument, after his best mates birthday party. I only locked him out as he had pushed me to the ground in front of millions of people.

We had gone to dinner after the party and I was so devastated and shocked I grabbed his keys and off I went back to his apartment crying. He had slept outside and when the concierge let him in he came storming inside yelling at me again, saying the same old things, I'm done, we're over. This was the first time he threatened to strangle me/hit me so I pushed his buttons and told him to and he kept saying no only to find out if he would, he never did.

Next morning he apologised about it and we hugged it out like nothing ever happened. This was the stage I was frightened to tell him anything, as everything I said he never believed it and when I did tell the truth I was still in the wrong so I started to lie a lot and we kept fighting. I would call my girlfriends and each fight they would tell me the same thing run, run far away, leave him but I never listened. I still make excuses for him till this day. I don't know why but he's my first love and I love him, he does too very much.

The other time was when I went over to Sydney just to get away and I had gone out with my friends and kissed a girl. She kissed me back when I got back I was honest to him about it all and he didn't even appreciate that I had told him the truth. He just went on and on about how I cheated on him and he got jealous and told his friend about it and G. told me it was over. By this stage I didn't have a care in the world I told him the truth and that was all.

We both slept in separate beds that night, he kept checking on me several times and forgave me and we spoke about it he FINALLY accepted the fact I had been honest to him but the only wrong thing is the times we have conflict he always jokes about it, or brings it up--it's so annoying!

So to get back at him I bring up his ex or his adult entertainer fling he had before we dated, stupid I know but it's the only way I can shut him up and he hates it. He always brings the past up when he says he doesn't ever go backwards, hypocritical I say. He brings up the past to bring me down. He makes me look and feel worthless.

The last time we had a fight I was so angry at him I kept hitting him in his defense he just held his hands up, he pushed me to the ground so many times he said he was defending himself. I feel as though he's taking me for a ride. I hate fighting with him. He says he hates it too but why does it always happen?

Every fight we've had he would go out and I would stay home and just chill. This time it was my time to have some space. I met him at our spot where we usually meet for drinks or before dinner. I had asked him for his phone and he asked for mine so we exchanged. Next thing you know out of random I get a text from an old friend as we had been talking earlier on and he gets mad and I walk out before he embarrasses me but it's too late.

We're outside and he's yelling for help many times till the boss of the restaurant comes out like I'm holding him at gun point or something but I was just talking to him and he starts calling me a hoe so to my defense and anger I hit him so hard across the face and call him an asshole and walk away.

I get the keys and go get some air while he was elsewhere. I went to the nearest pub and had a champagne trying to hold myself together. I met some friends and this sweet girl Mary and told them all about my asshole of a partner and they said the same thing leave him!

He messages me calling me degrading, downgrading names like a whore, slut, STD tramp and saying that we're over and I'm not his girl anymore and the list goes on. I don't reply, I just enjoy my night out with strangers who I now would call my friends. As they dropped me back home, I couldn't get in. G. Had locked me out. I twist and turned the door using my keys and pushed but I just couldn't open it. My stuff was in a bag outside the door.

I called the girl I met at the club
and she offered me to stay with her so I did. G. had been texting asking me where I am, if I'm ok? Not once did I reply till I got back the next day in the afternoon and opened the door just fine. We started messaging & I kept asking him why did you lock me out. He denied it, or I don't know something had been against the door that night was why I couldn't get in.

I told him (he was intoxicated) where I had been and didn't believe one bit of my story which was the truth and kept asking me what happened several times and I just said I don't need to prove myself. What I've told you is the truth and he asks for Mary's number. I give it to him and he says I gave him the wrong number. He kept saying I was with a guy and when I kept saying I stayed with a girl he said that's even worse considering my Sydney history - he just didn't believe a word I said.

I busted out in tears. He broke me. He comes home and starts kissing me and I'm in tears and all he wanted was to have sex and all I wanted was to be comforted so I push him off and all day he interrogates me and doesn't trust me. Hours go by and he still thinks I'm a fat std liar.

He goes downstairs, drinks more, and calls me so we can have dinner. he promises me he won't start fighting so I get ready to meet him downstairs at our spot and we have oysters and two minutes later he's started again. I just walk out of the place in tears as I'm over the fighting and all he wants to do is continue. He comes back to the apartment throws chairs around, punches doors, kicks the door many times basically has a tantrum.

Not the first one I've seen another time was when I was reading a book in peace and he had been drinking downstairs and comes home and throws a tantrum yelling at me calling me a liar, throws a glass at me but misses me and I had ran to the bathroom locked myself in he's kicking the door and I stayed silent. I was scared for my life at this stage. I then wait till I hear nothing and it's safe to come out and he had passed out on the couch.

I told him the next day he has anger issues. He has told me he used to get bullied at school, so I guess something in his childhood is recurring and that is what makes him so mad and aggressive. I love him but I'm so over this, part of me what's to leave him and another part of me wants to stay. I told him when we made up that he needs to start believing me when I'm telling him the truth, he needs to trust me without trust our relationship will be over before he knows it, he says he wants to go to a therapist together as he sees me with him in the future and loves me too much to lose me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Lena, and thanks for telling your story here. There are many issues here, and I will help the best I can. From what you've written here, it's clear that your boyfriend, and possibly you, may have significant problems with alcohol addiction. If you don't address this issue, then every effort you make to improve your situation could fail.

You are also in a battered woman syndrome. You are being abused, and you keep going back for more. At some point, you have to decide that you are worth caring for, and worthy of respect in all of your relationships.

You speak of love, that you have for G. and that he has for you. I assure you that if his love for you was true, he would not be abusive to you. Nothing from his past excuses his behavior toward you.

You said you're so "over this." I suggest that you follow through on that. Therapy will only help if he seeks out individual help for himself, after alcoholism rehab, for at least a year.

At some point, Lena, you will need to decide that your own health and happiness come first. You are worth it. Believe in yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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