I Need A Break From The Anger
Me and my husband got into a really huge fight tonight. Its our usual. Except this time we actually fought with our hands and our feet. (And finger nails!) We have such a problem with communication, but it seems that I am the only one who really, truly, honestly wants to do something about it. It seems like I am the only one trying.
We argue over the stupidest stuff, and it amazes me that we are still together. I want to be together, but I don't want to fight. (He is a bit scratched up, and I have sore spots.)
I don't know why I can't control myself. I get so pissed off, so easily! (It doesn't help that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by my father, and sexually abused by my friends brother when I was a child--EVERY DAY.) I have become a basket case of emotions, and I repress, and repress, and repress until I boil over. I am sorry to say that my husband saw a very minute portion of my 'other side'.
I believe myself to be multi-personality. I am also bipolar, and slightly OCD in cases. The worlds worst combination. (Not to mention the clinical depression and anxiety disorder.) I can't take meds either because I have ADHD and it messes with it. (I have tried Paxil or whatever and I wanted to kill myself.) I became depressed even more so after my best friend died when I was 12. (I'm 20 now.) I didn't speak to anyone but a psychotherapist for a year. I was self destructive and self abusive. I tried killing myself multiple times.
The year before my best friend died, my mom's mom died. My favorite grandma. (She treated her grand kids equally.) Most of my dad's side of the family is vindictive and emotionally insensitive. What we like to call 'Debbie Downers'. I put up with that for so long. I even starved myself just to make them happy. (I have had a lifelong struggle with my weight, and have not been able to keep it down.)
I need to get healthy, but my husband doesn't seem to care. Before we were married I was in great shape, I worked out every day for 3 hours or more. Plus I successfully put all forms of artificial sugar out of my life. (My body doesn't metabolize it properly and stores it as fat instead of using it as energy.) But ever since we met, he has brought all kinds of junk back in my life. Its like putting the chicken in front of the wolf. Then he has the balls to say 'Who cares.' Who cares? I do, about my health. I gained 60 lbs after he brought sugar back into my life.
Now, I know its not completely his fault, but I have horrible issues with temptation. I always have. I also have little to no motivation. He's a twig, and I'm dumbo. I can't stand it. I want my body back, but can't if he is to continue to bring that shit back in the house. We both are ready to divorce.
The problem is, I don't have a job. I have a horrible time finding them and keeping them. Something always goes wrong. It doesn't help that we have no money, and I don't have minutes on my phone for people to contact me. (I am going to school however.) I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. I am once again contemplating suicide. I want Andy, and I want our relationship to work. We need help!
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Cassandra. Thank you for writing your story on this site. There are many positive aspects to what you wrote. Here are the things I observed:
1) You write well. You are obviously intelligent.
2) You are taking responsibility to some extent for your actions and reactions.
3) You are going to school.
4) In spite of your problems, you care about your husband, and you want your relationship to work.
5) You want to be healthy.
I don't have to tell you that your problems are complex--you already know that. I am limited in the kind of help I can provide here, but I'll do my best.
Here is what I recommend:
1) Write detailed accounts of all of the abuse you experienced as a child. Take breaks as needed, then go back and keep writing until you feel some kind of relief. This may or may not help you--it is just something for you to try.
2) Take a look at the emotional healing exercise on this page, and see if you can use that to heal some of your childhood trauma.
3) If you indeed have different "you's" inside, try this exercise: Give each a name, write their story, how they came into being, and what purpose they serve. I assure you every single part of you is there for a good reason--even if they are extremely destructive in the behavior they bring out in you. Also, come up with an image for each part. Invite them to sit around an imaginary table with you, in your mind. Get to know them. They all have something valuable to offer. To help with this you might want to get a copy of one of these two books I offer:
Anger Among Angels, or Serai: Bringing The Children Home. Both of these books will help you to identify and heal the inner aspects of yourself.
4) Begin developing an image of yourself as a whole person, who incorporates the best of all of the many aspects of yourself.
5) Try not to focus too much on the diagnostic labels you mentioned above. Many times, those labels do more harm than good.
You are a good person inside, who wants only the best. Look for and focus on that part of yourself. And feel free to keep writing your stories on this site, if you like.
And never, ever give up on yourself. You can do what you set your mind and heart to.
My very best to you,