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I Lost My Best Friend, My Love And My Future To Alcohol

by William
(Hawley PA)

I have a girlfriend for three years or more, and when we met everything was great. She did not drink and was like fresh air.

Well, she started to drink and then all the problems started. Disappearing , reappearing, blackouts, anger, lies, cheating, forgiveness and then repeating of rude, violent outbursts, excuses, and blaming of everyone else.

If she looked at this it would be over again. The first year she stopped drinking. Then after one year picked up the bottle because her paleo diet said she could have saki or like Japaneses wine. This wine, this vodka, it's here everyday stripping away the girl I love into a full blown alcoholic.

In her drinking, she leaves me often alone, sad and discarded like garbage after she is done with me.

Things are bad. I could be homeless as I have been three times already after committing to this relationship only to lose to alcohol. I'm afraid and can't say anything. All of my assets are being consumed by her drinking and forgotten. The list of good things I've done goes down the alcoholic drain.

This all happened after becoming invested from the beginning. There are issues of anger coming from her prior family turmoil and issues. I love someone who is sick and can't see what is happening.

I am a recovering alcoholic. My name is Bill, and AA works for me. I'm going on 9 years sober. What can I do? After being in a program, alcohol became an issue after I fell in love.

I have nowhere to go or start over. Please help. Thank you for your consideration.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello William, and thanks for telling your story here. I am very glad that you have 9 years of sobriety, and that AA works for you. Be sure and keep your own sobriety as your top priority as you address your relationship issues.

I strongly encourage you to attend ALANON meetings, to talk with others who have alcoholic family members. You need support in dealing with this.

You can’t help her. Only she can help herself, when/if she decides to. Meanwhile, you have to take responsibility for your own well being. If you allow yourself to be drug down by this relationship, it is simply another form of addiction for you.

You know as an addict, that when you’re practicing your addiction, your first love is your substance...alcohol. So, you are not your girlfriend’s first love, sadly. She wouldn’t hurt you like she does if she was not practicing her addiction. People get help every day, as you did, and she can too. You need to consider that you could be enabling her addiction by staying with her and allowing yourself to be harmed by her actions.

Go to ALANON and tell your story, and listen to the stories of others. You may also want to check out a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) group, where enabling is addressed directly.

Make up your mind that you’re going to create a good life for yourself, William, and let your girlfriend go...until she is firmly engaged with her sobriety.

Believe in yourself, and hope/pray for the best for your girlfriend.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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