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I Just Want To Know What To Do

by Anonymous

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over two years, and we've more recently had abusive issues.

Alcohol is almost always involved, he's admitted to being an alcoholic multiple times, and getting him to stop drinking so much is one thing I've been trying to make him do.

When one of us upsets the other, we always sit down and talk about it, but then after that the conversation turns haywire no matter what. He's then telling me all these things I'm doing wrong, how things are always my fault because I'm doing this, and I'm doing that, and pointing fingers at me.

Then, when I try to talk, (sometimes over him) he's lost all control. I'm not one to sit and point fingers over things, I'm always taking accountability for myself and I try to get him to see where I'm coming from but it seems like he can't understand until after the fact.

I'm constantly hearing how it’s my fault when this happens. He says I push him to that limit. Does he really think I want this? If it's me why doesn't he just leave me? I tell him that at the time, but the point is that at the end of the day, I love him so much.

Sometimes I think maybe it is me. He's only the second boyfriend I've had and I've never had this issue with my last. And he says goes the same for him.

So do we work at this? Do we let it go? I'm just scared. It gets so bad sometimes where he'll threaten to kill me, choke me out and hit me, etc.

I hate that I'm going through all this with him, neither one of us deserves it…right?

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Jun 05, 2016
Thank You
by: Anonymous

It's hard to get out of this relationship because so much time has been put in this, and there's a lot of love here. After the worst always happens, he's good at making me forgive him for what happened, and we then come to an understanding.

I know that relationships like this hardly ever work out, but I do want to say I did everything I could before I let it go. Focusing on the alcoholism is exactly where I know I should be, and thank you for reassuring me of that.

Lots of things are easier said than done, but you're right. I need to want more for myself and take nothing less and only accept the respect I know I deserve and that's exactly where my head is at now. It will be extremely hard on me if that means letting him go to get those things, but it is what I deserve and I constantly pray for any strength that I am lacking.

Thank you again. It feels good to know I am understood.

Jun 05, 2016
First Things First
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for reaching out for help here.

You mentioned that most if not all of your problems with your boyfriend are alcohol related. That has to be resolved before anything else can be, and the decision to get help has to come from can't convince him that he needs help.

This isn't just about the two of you, it's true of all alcoholics. They have to decide to get into recovery, it can't be coming from somebody else.

The other thing you need to think carefully about is that you are worthy of respect and kindness at all times. No amount of love is worth putting up with this type of abuse and life-threatening behavior from him.

Make up your mind to love yourself enough to get out of this relationship until he's sober for at least a year, and ideally going to AA for that period of time.

You are the only person who can take care of yourself, and you're not doing him any favors by staying in the relationship so that he's hurting someone he loves.

I trust that you'll do the right thing.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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