I Hate The Man I Love
I have had a couple rough relationships, but one that I am still a little bitter about. A man that wanted a family, got it and decided that he really didn't want it. My husband now is a great father to my son and the most wonderful husband that I could ask for. He treats me with the utmost respect and loves me and my son more than himself. I feel as if maybe I hold him slightly responsible for this even though I know he had nothing to do with it.
We seem to have always had communication issues, we talk about them on a daily basis and we still can't seem to get them to change. We understand each other and think we know where the problem is, but it just seems that there is something missing to kick the change into gear. I know that my anger contributes to the heartache that we both go through.
It seems that I have a great day and am happy at work and when I talk about my husband, he is the man of my dreams, but as soon as I walk in the door, I show him something different. I feel as if I am two people. I don't want to be around him and I am always so angry with him, but inside I just want to love him and for him to hold me and talk about our days. The only reason I can think of for me being so angry is my sons biological father. The love I have for my husband just doesn't seem to come out to him as much as we would both like it to.
I have thrown things at him in conversations and have even physically attacked him twice. If I don't physically attack him, I have clips that play in my head of it. It is such an awful sight and feeling that really needs to go away.
It seems that we will talk and turn it into an argument, I feel as though he purposely tries to push my buttons and get me angry, but he feels differently. I sometimes can feel my anger rise, other times I just snap. I don't seem to remember my physical act if there is one, but I do have alot of visions of angry awful things.
Most of the time that something physical happens, I only remember just before and after and not the physical act. I blow up alot and yell at him for a while. during the time I tell myself to stop and calm down, but I can't. after I blow up, I do feel exceptionally better. I usually feel great if it's only an argument, but I do not want to feel great after that, I want to feel great when we converse and we come to an agreement or understanding.
These ways that I feel are wrong and I don't want to be this person anymore. Unfortunately, we are not financially able to see someone for our issues or mine. My insurance doesn't cover and we currently are barely making bills.
Response From Dr. DeFoore
Thank you for telling about your situation. Many people will benefit from reading it.
First of all, I want to congratulate and support you for taking the action of writing for this site. You have already begun to help yourself. You took a lot of responsibility in what you wrote, and you are not claiming to be an innocent victim. That is excellent!
When you take responsibility then you are free to change--when you claim to be a victim, you have to wait for the other person to change. So, you're ahead of the game already!
I'm going to help you in several ways. Here are some actions I recommend:
1) Begin keeping an anger journal. Write about your anger everyday, once or twice a day. Don't show it to anyone, it's just for you. And in your journal, don't be nice or reasonable. This is a place for your raw, unedited anger to come out. Say it all, and don't hold back. It won't be pretty, but it's better out on the page than in your head and heart.
2) IMMEDIATELY after writing in your anger journal, in a separate journal, write about what you appreciate and what you are grateful for...in yourself, your husband, and in your life in general. Keep writing until you find yourself starting to feel better. Always follow your anger journaling with gratitude and appreciation for what is good, right and working in yourself and in your life. Keep writing your gratitude and appreciation even after the anger has subsided. Do it for the rest of your life. It will keep you connected with your good heart and soul.
3) Go to the Free Anger Management page on my web site, and you will learn about everything that is available to you at no charge.
4) Take 15 minutes a day, for a period of two weeks, and write non-stop about any and all traumatic, painful memories you have. This is not for anyone to read, it is only for your benefit of opening up and expressing your emotions. Especially write about early childhood memories, the earlier the better. And write about your ex-husband.
Amber, you are indeed a good person inside, which is exactly why you are concerned about this problem and choosing to correct it. Follow the above recommendations, and I believe you will get good results.
I wish you all the best in your journey to healing and building a healthy marriage.