I Feel Like I Am Out Of Balance With My Relationship Patterns
I come from a very religious household. The bible was always used in hurtful ways to cause guilt, shame and crying by my parents. They also had issues with my father being an alcoholic who cheated on my mother very often.
The atmosphere in the house is always toxic and someone is always getting verbally torn down. My father passed away two years ago, leaving nothing behind and my mother didn't change. Instead the pressures on us are higher as she expects us to take care of her, without giving a thought to how we are surviving ourselves (my siblings and I).
While I was living in my parents’ home, I wasn't allowed to date or take phone calls from men. Once I started my bachelor's I dated an Iranian man who lied that he loved.me, took my virginity and then confessed that he was engaged.
Since I started dating my relationships have been very weird, following a pattern of closeness and ending in betrayals. I might add that I was an escort at a point in my life, to make ends meet. As soon as I could get steady work, I quit selling my body and focused on my career.
Recently, I noticed that I have a way of attracting men who do me wrong. Like the last incident was a Syrian guy, supposedly a virgin and a friend. We hung out a lot, had sleep overs, went for massages together, the whole close friends deal.
The second time he slept over he forced himself on me. I went with it to prevent things from getting to a dangerous point. After that, he gave me a talk saying we are a hidden thing and so on.
I found that very insulting, but decided to try to keep the friendship. Every time I get drunk I get so mad at him and say the worst things, despite his having apologized.
Last weekend I hung out with work mates at his house. There was a girl I don't know there, she was flirting, and he was into it. And when they thought I was asleep, they kissed.
That threw me into a rage and I came down and blasted them both. But the thing is, I see that I have unhealthy patterns. I need to break free from this toxic situation and find other ways to deal when I feel hurt, abused or disrespected by people. I need help.