I Don't Know What's What Anymore
I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for five. We have 2 sweet young boys. I had a lot of trouble having them. I had 7 miscarriages before I had my first live birth. They mean the world to me.
When my husband and I first started dating I was so in love. I was 20, partying, going out a lot, but I worked a full time job and I really wanted to settle down and really date someone seriously that was ready to grow up.
Well we started dating and he seemed perfect. He grounded me. He was so routine. He offered me stability and security. Looking back I can see the moments that should have clued me in but I needed him.
As the years past I grew up a lot but it felt like he could never recognize that. He still treated me like I needed him to do everything. He had to be on charge of all the money because he didn't trust me even though I'd never really been irresponsible.
It's just that he has to be in control. I always feel like I have to ask him if I want anything. He usually allows it but acts like he's done me some huge favor. Like after I had the boys. I needed new clothes cause I lost so much weight. He would tell everyone I went and spent $500.00 on clothes, like I was selfish or something. I still don't have a complete wardrobe...clothes are expensive!
Then when I buy some things he has to question everything. I want to clarify I am not the type to waste money. I buy most of our clothes at discount stores and I don't buy much. I purchased a 3 dollar sprinkler and caught hell for it.
My husband works out of town so I'm home alone with the babies four days per week. For the longest time when my husband got home from his four days away I would be so excited he was home, clean the house, make dinner then he would stay outside and mess around outside for a half hour then come inside and say something like I wish you would have done laundry. No hug, no "I really missed you," and when I did laundry he would say I didn't fold things right.
It used to upset me. I tried to do everything perfect but I'm not perfect. So I feel like I gave up. I quit trying to please him because it didn't matter what I did. I found no happiness in the things I used to.
When I finally had My first son I was so happy. I wanted to do everything right. I nursed him and he was a fussy baby so my husband bought ear plugs. I remember crying at night and being so exhausted and my husband saying if we couldn't be more quiet he was going to sleep somewhere else. He said because I was nursing he couldn't do anything. So it was my fault.
He loves the boys. He loves me. But so many things have happened I can't feel the same. I feel so guilty. I know he could say things about me. But I've never just been mean to him until recently.
I got a speeding ticket for the first time in 6 years. I was on my way to work. Did I mention I worked 30 hours per week 45 minutes away four days a week? So I get pulled over and the state wants my insurance card and I couldn't find it so I call my husband. He starts yelling at me about wasting money while I'm already upset and crying. I ran out of gas when my son was about 6 months old and called him for help. He came, but told me I was a f-ing idiot. No compassion. I can't make mistakes.
In the past year, my husband has decided he wanted to try some different things in bed. I've tried to do it. But I don't like it and because of pain I can't. Well he's just gone ahead and done what he wanted several times. While I'm crying and have expressed to him I can't do that.
Here is where I screwed up. A man that I work with noticed my husband calling and calling me and started asking questions. Questions at work turned into phone calls at home. He told me he was in a horrible marriage too. Blah blah blah. I told him if he thought he could work anything out with iis wife that's what he needed to do. But he insisted there was no love. He was just figuring out how to leave. I left my husband 3 months ago.
So we've had an affair. I didn't sleep with him, thank God, but it's still very wrong.
Word got out at my work and we were both fired. Their is no policy at my work against this. In fact my coworker has been married 3 times to men that work there. I know it's wrong. I'm not arguing that, but I shouldn't have lost my job over it.
Cheating is wrong no matter what's happened. I feel terrible about it. I was weak and selfish and I'm already starting to pay the price.
The problem now is my husband won't leave me alone. I've told him about the other man. He says he doesn't care he knows why I did it. He will give me money and I can just stay home. I now have no financial ability to leave. My "boyfriend" has pretty much jumped ship and lied to his wife about the whole thing. Stupid me.
Now I'm stuck at home with my husband who is continuing to force sex. And he has punched me one time because I wouldn't let him see me naked.
I'm in what seems like an impossible situation. I don't know what to do. Please don't just tell me what a horrible person I am. I already tell myself that.
What should I do?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Linds, and thanks for telling your story here. You've been through a lot, and I know being where you are makes you feel very trapped and stuck. I will try to help you to help yourself.
The main thing I want to acknowledge is that you are being sexually abused. It doesn't matter that you're married, abuse is abuse, and forced sex is sexual abuse. I hope you can acknowledge this for yourself.
The only person who can help you is you. That's sad, in a way, but it's actually very good, in that when you help yourself, you know that you can, and that strength will help you stay out of harm's way in the future. Make up your mind that you're going to get stronger and smarter because of this, and you will.
I suggest that you start by reading the following page on relationships:
battered wife syndrome
You have to decide that you're a good person, Linds, and be a champion to the wounded child inside you. You have to be your own hero. Nobody else can do this for you.
Do the journaling recommended on the above pages. It will help you to feel better, see yourself more clearly, and make the right decisions.
You are worthy of respect, kindness and love. You're not getting that in your marriage. I know you feel bad about yourself, but don't let that be a reason to allow your husband to abuse you.
You can do this, Linds. Believe in yourself and the strong, healthy woman you are inside.
My very best to you,
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