I Died Young
My older brother left home when I was 8 and he was 13. Off to Military school.
As an older brother, (I am the youngest of 4 children), he was my roommate and protector. He was somewhat of a father figure to me.
Our father worked long hours to provide, but was emotionally unavailable.
When my brother left, I was deeply hurt and started to split into fragments. The sadness was so profound. I didn't understand the rationales I was given for his leaving, such as "He needs more focus," "He needs discipline" and on and on.
I was alone. I grew resentful of my parents’ good intentions to help him, seemingly without any regard for me or my siblings. My two sisters moved on with life, as best I can tell.
I felt abandoned and unloved.
This is the roots of my pain and grief. At 60 years old, my anger can rise and slingshot into full-blown rage; scorching anything or anyone.
I worked with therapists of all varieties and tried various medications, and to date, my intellectual understanding has not rooted out, and I have not been able to channel this extreme negative energy into positive.