I Beat Him With Carelessness
There Is Hope
We have been married almost 12 years and have two children, 3 and 5. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and possible bipolar disorder. I am not currently medicated for them because the meds didn't seem to help.
I have a habit of fighting my point no matter what and not listening to others. When I do listen, I don't remember most of it anyway. Obviously with ADHD I have a hard time focusing and I do wonder if I'm bipolar, I definitely have good days and bad days with bad days being my more regular.
For 12 years my husband has been patient and supportive and tried to give me tips on what to do when I'm in a bad place (if you don't understand, ask a question; take a second to make sure you know what's going on before you fight; be honest about where you are at) but I still struggle because when I'm in "that" place I think I know what's going on and I go out with both fists (figuratively) swinging because clearly this time he is wrong.
He used to be very patient and explain the situations to me over LONG (like 1-3 hour) conversations and at the end I could see where I misunderstood and feel awful for being such a jerk. This process is obviously emotionally draining, especially for him, and then we would be exhausted and go to sleep afterwards both hurt (and in my opinion, his hurt is the only one who is justified).
We have had literally thousands of conversations like this and he is done now. I haven't ever changed. He feels hurt and sad and I hate myself for hurting him and hate myself because I know how careless I am. I keep making negative choices to fight, to ignore what is said, to ignore the truth, to justify myself and try to prove myself not stupid (something I have struggled with my entire life)...
He is tired and not fighting for us the same way he was and I feel like a failure and I see how I'm rubbing off on the kids and I hate myself more for that. I never thought of myself as an abuser, but recently he has used the analogy of someone being beat up and not being able to take it anymore.
I know people are dealing with real physical abuse and that is heart breaking to me. But the idea that I am abusing my relationship and husband has me hating myself for never changing and wondering why I keep making these habitually bad choices. I want to be proud of myself and like myself and feel connected to my husband and feel like a family.