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I Beat Him With Carelessness

by Anonymous

There Is Hope

We have been married almost 12 years and have two children, 3 and 5. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and possible bipolar disorder. I am not currently medicated for them because the meds didn't seem to help.

I have a habit of fighting my point no matter what and not listening to others. When I do listen, I don't remember most of it anyway. Obviously with ADHD I have a hard time focusing and I do wonder if I'm bipolar, I definitely have good days and bad days with bad days being my more regular.

For 12 years my husband has been patient and supportive and tried to give me tips on what to do when I'm in a bad place (if you don't understand, ask a question; take a second to make sure you know what's going on before you fight; be honest about where you are at) but I still struggle because when I'm in "that" place I think I know what's going on and I go out with both fists (figuratively) swinging because clearly this time he is wrong.

He used to be very patient and explain the situations to me over LONG (like 1-3 hour) conversations and at the end I could see where I misunderstood and feel awful for being such a jerk. This process is obviously emotionally draining, especially for him, and then we would be exhausted and go to sleep afterwards both hurt (and in my opinion, his hurt is the only one who is justified).

We have had literally thousands of conversations like this and he is done now. I haven't ever changed. He feels hurt and sad and I hate myself for hurting him and hate myself because I know how careless I am. I keep making negative choices to fight, to ignore what is said, to ignore the truth, to justify myself and try to prove myself not stupid (something I have struggled with my entire life)...

He is tired and not fighting for us the same way he was and I feel like a failure and I see how I'm rubbing off on the kids and I hate myself more for that. I never thought of myself as an abuser, but recently he has used the analogy of someone being beat up and not being able to take it anymore.

I know people are dealing with real physical abuse and that is heart breaking to me. But the idea that I am abusing my relationship and husband has me hating myself for never changing and wondering why I keep making these habitually bad choices. I want to be proud of myself and like myself and feel connected to my husband and feel like a family.

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Jan 15, 2017
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I Feel Just Like This!
by: Anonymous

I waited 7yrs too long (36 in total) before realizing I was the problem. I have been mentally abusing him the whole time.

He usually fights back with me, but not anymore. He's moving out of the home we bought together. That was advice from our therapist. Wish I wouldn't have waited so long to get help.

This completely correlates with all my failed relationships. My heart is broken that I made any human feel so low, let alone my fiancé.

I cannot believe all these years I thought my fights were justified and that he was the problem.

Dec 13, 2016
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Thank-you
by: Reba

Thanks for sharing! This is so relatable, however I am the wife of an ADHD spouse. He forgets and also has violent rage episodes. And has really low self esteem.

After 9 years in and out of therapy and treatment, we have noticed a difference after he went on medication and we're still going through that journey now since it wasn't making a difference for him at first either.

Finding a compassionate and skilled doctor was hard too...still a journey. It can be so draining.

But he finally has a doctor who is compassionate and helpful, and listens to what meds work and what doesn't. As well a lovely ADHD & Anger Management coach to help build self esteem and tools to cope.

Anyway, don't give up on yourself. There's still stigmas around conditions like ADHD, but it is so real and impacting on relationships and life. Shouldn't have to feel like less of a success than anyone else.

Maybe try taking that road before making any big decisions. Am thankful you shared your story.

Mar 06, 2016
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Your Heart Is Good - Don't Give Up
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thank you for telling your story here. It is clear that you're having a hard time, and that you are taking full responsibility for the damage you have done. I hope writing your story here was helpful to you.

The help you need cannot be provided in this context, as written feedback on a web site. However, I do want to encourage you to get help and to believe in yourself.

You are wise and healthy enough to be able to see your emotional and behavioral patterns, and that's good. I know that doesn't necessarily give you the control to change them, but it's a sign of your good heart and your good intentions.

I suggest that you seek counseling with a professional who will not just diagnose you and recommend medication. I don't think you need another diagnosis. I think you need someone to understand you, your story, and what you've been through in your life, and then guide you from there.

I wish you all the best on your journey to greater health and well being.

Dr. DeFoore

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