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I Am Old Enough To Know That I Have A Problem

by R.D.

I'm not that old. I'm not experienced with life. I am old enough to know that I might have a problem.

I get angry so easily. I think it's because when I was little (younger than I am now), I would bottle up my feelings of sadness and anger. I was bullied and I didn't know what to do. It made me sad.

My dad had an affair when I was 9. It destroyed me because I was very paranoid something like this would happen. When I moved overseas with my family I began to think a lot about what had just happened before we moved.

During this time I was homeschooled by my mom. She didn't know how to teach me though. When I didn't learn something right away after she showed me, she got mad and that rubbed off on me. I don't like to be spoken to a certain way.

I know I don't really have a say in that because I am an adolescent. It's just something about the way my parents talk to me. It makes me sad and then when I think about what they say it makes me mad. I don't like the way it makes me feel weak.

I want to say so many things to them but it seems like they have no interest. Three years later, they all of a sudden want to talk, but it's too late now. At this point I don't care.

I wouldn't care so much about how many times I get angry and frustrated about small things if I didn't have younger siblings. I love all three of them. I wouldn't want them to end up like me--hurt and broken. It hurts me so much when I yell at them.

I remind myself of my parents when they yell at me and that kills me. I hate myself so much for it. My siblings don't deserve that. I need to be a better sister.

They need to know I love them, but I don't know how to show them that I do. I don't want to yell at them, I don't want to freak out over small things, and I most of all don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to feel like I need to hit them like my parents do.

I don't like it when my dad loses his temper at them and hits them over stupid things. I don't want my mom to lose her temper and do the same. This family will fall apart and my siblings don't deserve that. I need help.

I can't get mad over small things. I don't want to get so mad and hurt. It's the things my parents say and how they say them. They tell me I'm retarded and stupid. My mom said today that I would be seen as emotionally unstable. I don't like how they put me down. I try. I really do, but they don't see that.

I care for my entire family. I love them all. My parents are forcing me to the breaking point. I could say I hate them and I wouldn't feel bad. I know they gave me life, but so far this life is hard. I want to change, for my brothers and for me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello R.D., and thanks for telling your story here. I really like how much you care for your family. And I respect how much you want to change, especially for your brothers. I will try to help.

I'm so sorry that your parents say such mean and hurtful things to you. There is nothing that justifies a parent saying those things to their daughter. The pain this causes in you is the reason for your anger. Anger comes from pain, and so you have very good reasons for your anger...I want to help you express it in healthy ways, so that it doesn't make your situation worse.

First, I'll give you some ways to understand, heal and manage your anger all by yourself. Try the exercises on this FAQ page, and see which ones work the best for you. Definitely do the journaling're a good writer, as I can tell from your submission.

You express yourself well, you have good spelling and good grammar. I can also tell that you're smart. All of that tells me that you'll benefit from the journaling.

Once you start feeling some good results from that, start making as many positive statements to your brothers, your mom and your dad as you can. It needs to feel genuine, so only do it if you can feel it. Start small, with your brothers, and build from there. It will get easier as you go.

By making these positive statements (only after you have benefitted from the anger healing work), you will be giving what you want to receive. That always works, if you can pull it off. One of the journaling exercises is a positive one, and if you write about the positive aspects of your family members first, it will make it easier to tell them in person.

Do all of this for you, R.D. This isn't for them, it's for you. You are worthy of love and respect, so give it to yourself by following these recommendations. If you use these tools regularly, they will help you. Like any tools, the more you use them, the better they work for you.

Believe in yourself, and be your own best friend...then you'll have a built-in friend for life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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