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I Am A Verbally Abusive Boyfriend

by Anonymous

I have been with my girlfriend for two years now, with a one month breakup about 7 months into our relationship. This is because I was drinking all day before her sisters birthday party, and was thrown out of the party for verbally chastising her family out loud.

I then kicked her car when she dropped me and my friend at a train station. This was not the first time I had verbally abused her, often teasing and playing games with her emotions until it resulted in an explosive argument. And always when drunk. I have never been a good drunk really, and have drunk heavily for over ten years.

I am now trying to stop drinking and have cut down considerably, but that hasn't stopped me from ringing her at midnight three weeks ago when drunk, verbally berating our relationship and her 6 year old son. This has been the last straw, as she now is impatient, mean and rude to me, and with good cause.

We almost broke up again a few days ago and I've promised to get help. I don't know how to do this and I am scared to death. I'm glad I have gotten the confession of my alcohol problem and it's resulting behaviour out of the way in this thing whatever it is I am writing. It is the truth and I find it hard to confess to people because of the resulting judgement that comes with it. I have seen GP's turn cold towards me a couple of times when I have opened up about it and although it hurts to be judged this way I also understand why people don't like people like me.

I know there is no excuse for abusive behaviour on or off a substance and I know nobody deserves it. I have constantly pushed for responses with people my whole life and I think that it is unhealthy to do so. I have lost a lot of friends because of my behaviour, and this revelation is actually quite new to me.

I know I am now most likely losing my girlfriend whom I love so very much but I have once again done this to myself. This behaviour of mine is erratic at best and leaves me sad, depressed and emotionally abusing myself constantly. I suffer from anxiety attacks and depression and I just can't seem to let go of my thoughts. It just eats me all day and night. Ironically, when I do and say these things I later reflect that I was a completely different person, who didn't care an ounce for what I was saying.

She doesn't deserve this, she never has. She is better off without me, I know. I know people reading this will be disgusted and appalled by what I am saying and I understand why. But it's also hard to live with too. I am a human being as well. Surely I deserve help if I can somehow summon the balls to seek it.

It's quite possible I am living with a serious mental illness. My girlfriend thinks I might be bipolar, a narcissist, a sociopath or even have a personality disorder. I think all of this is possible. I have been unhappy for so long it just gets harder and harder. Where next?

I seem to put a lot of myself into a relationship to the point that I can't function once it is over. I suffered a breakdown of sorts the last time I broke up with someone. I was prescribed anti depressants and drank heavily on them, making matters so much worse--being insane and verbally attacking people more than ever, and saying the most horrible and morbid things. Those friends are gone now. I just don't know how I will cope with this again. I just won't keep things in perspective once the anxiety kicks in full force. I know I have myself to blame.

There is obviously a whole lot more to this, my girlfriend is obviously not perfect, she also has deep seated issues and it always takes two to tango. But this is about me confronting what I do wrong. No matter what she has ever said or done she has never ever treated me the way that I have treated her. I guess I need help big time. And now I feel I have covered everything the best I can for now at least. I am ready for the harsh and bitter view points this sort of thing raises, but I have been completely and brutally honest. And that has to be the first right thing I have done in a while.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I respect your integrity, and your willingness to take responsibility for your actions and your addiction. Congratulations to you for taking this first step toward change and healing.

I'm sure you can use a lot of emotional and psychological healing, but first things first. As long as your alcohol addiction is active, you will not benefit from any type of counseling or psychological treatment. So treatment of your addiction has to come first.

I strongly encourage you to read this page on alcohol abuse, and follow the recommendations you find there. One of the options you will find there is an online alcohol abuse recovery class, which might be your best choice...that's for you to decide.

One way or another, you have to get sober, completely off of alcohol, or nothing else you try to do is going to work. Alcoholism shuts down all of the brain functions necessary for emotional healing, thus stopping all long-term personal growth and improvement.

You are at a point of choosing between a positive quality of life and alcohol. It's up to you.

I have a feeling that you will make the right choice. I get the strong message here that you are ready to stop abusing people, and to start being the good person you want to be.

Take the steps. Get sober. Then you can start the healing process toward becoming the good man you really are inside.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission.

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Apr 18, 2017
In Response To Your "Response To Dr. DeFoore
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for your comment. When you have a substance abuse issue at play in any relationship problem, the substance abuse issue must be addressed first, before you can resolve the relationship issue.

You said you can control your drinking "whenever." If you really want to resolve your relationship problems, you will stop drinking first, then address the relationship.

Those are the dots that need connecting. You will also benefit from this page on happy relationships.

My best to you in your continued recovery,

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 17, 2017
Response to Dr. DeFoore
by: Anonymous

Dr. DeFoore,
I came across this young man's entry looking for something that hit key points that I have been experiencing. I myself have actually completed a 6 month inpatient program for addiction.

After about 7 months and our company folding, I started in a relationship that I didn't feel valued or where she made me feel small and feminine and would call certain clothes I wore gay. There was also a high possibility of mixed relations with her baby’s father.

I drank too much with her one night and I acted like this young man. I put in the work for recovery and made a dumb decision to continue in this relationship in the first place. However the ending of our relationship is due to what I did when I drank too much. And I've only ever gotten like that with 2 females in my life, the first toxic relationship and now the second.

I'm trying to connect dots because it's deeper than alcohol addiction. I can quit drinking or I can limit my drinking whenever. Us both knowing each other's past, we still planned to drink to get drunk on this St. Patrick’s Day. I can have a few beers during a game and call it, and I can go out to a party and not drink completely.

However when I've mixed heavy intoxication with a growingly toxic relationship I sense my deeper issues take over. I think it is the value I put into relationships with the wrong women.

I feel as though she acted bitchy to make me want more or seek more. I'm trying to connect the dots. And I definitely want to figure myself out so I don't do this to anyone no matter how a person makes me feel.

Oct 01, 2014
Your support and encouragement is admirable.
by: Dr. DeFoore

To Anonymous, the last commenter...thank you for your beautiful words and sentiments in supporting this man. I wish you all the best in the healing you need in your own relationship.

Sep 30, 2014
Thank You
by: Anonymous

I think it takes a lot of courage to do this, and I want to share your story with my boyfriend who is also an alcoholic and verbally abusive. I'm afraid because im not sure what the intial reaction will be, or later on what he will do. I think deep down people want to change but its a long hard road and old habits die hard. Please know that I am thinking of you and your family and I know they love you. Don't give up. It's a journey only you can make so do it for yourself. It takes time to clear away all the baggage collected over so many years. You are worth everything and your life is so precious. Your story has helped me in so many ways, in just a few short minutes. I love my boyfriend deeply, but the distance between us is almost unbearable. And all the bitterness that grows towards each other, it is not how we are meant to live our lives. We should love ourselves and love one another. Thank you for this. So much. Day by day, don't be too hard on yourself but don't fall back into the vicious cycle. You have already come so far, and you are meant for great things. Thank you again!

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