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How Do I Let Go Of The Past?

by Anonymous
(Canton, Ohio USA)

I can't seem to get over things that have happened in the past! Here is my problem. I cheated on my (husband at the time) with my current husband.

Well, we did eventually get married. But before we came to be husband and wife we traveled a very rough road. We lived together off and on for 3 years. Off because I wasn't sure of his commitment to us so I would throw him out. This happened to us about once a year, and usually lasted anywhere from 3 days to the last time of 2 months.

I loved him, but it always seemed like his priorities where all in the wrong places. He liked gaming on the Internet, watching porn, and bowling. I had a problem with the gaming because it took up most of his time when he wasn't working.

I had a problem (and still do) with the porn. It makes me feel like he's in need of something more. And the bowling he doesn't do anymore, after I found out by snooping on his computer that he was cheating on me with a woman from the bowling alley.

I stalked him and her and I attacked her. It was bad! I almost ran her over with my car. But I didn't. I did however fight with her and I fractured her eye socket and busted her jaw. So now I have a problem with all women he talks to or works with. We did get married about 2 yrs after the incident, but I still very offensive to other women, not to mention him.

As far as I know he hasn't cheated on me since. But he still is on the computer a lot, gaming and watching porn. I've told him how much it bugs me, but he doesn't seem to care. He feels its harmless. I do love him very much, but I find the stupidest reasons to be angry with him all of the time.

I am noticing that I am angry almost always at everything and everyone. Please help me out here.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. Your concerns about your husband are valid, and make sense. It makes sense that you don't like the porn and the gaming. He's involved in some compulsive/addictive behaviors, and that always takes away from intimacy in significant relationships.

However, you can't change him, or do anything about his bad behavior. All you can do, and what I recommend you do, is focus on creating a good, healthy, happy life for yourself. You may not be able to include him in a happy healthy life, but that is his choice. You have unknowingly been placing your love for him over your love for yourself.

Follow the recommendations you will find on this page. You have to focus on your own well being, and leave him to do what he chooses--not because he's right, but because you can't change him and every effort you make tot change him will only make things worse.

Believe in yourself and learn to love yourself enough to only stay in relationshps where you are respected and loved.

I hope this helps.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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