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He Refuses To Leave My House

by Nina

I'm in a 2 month relationship with a Japanese guy and we're living together in my own house. He was well mannered, loving and understanding during the first month of our relationship. But I have observed he sometimes suddenly becomes so cold and distant, then loving the next day.

I tried to figure things out like having a talk about it and he became so sensitive or he feels like I'm putting the blame on him where I was just pointing out what he did was wrong or it hurts me especially if my feelings were ignored.

So I change my ways like I don't ask him lots of questions because I'm afraid he'll get mad.

Two weeks ago he broke up with me because he's too tired of explaining himself again and again so I got hurt and it felt like our relationship was really over. He was scary when he broke up with me like asking me questions by listing it down on his laptop. When my answers didn't meet his expectations he just said it's over.

After two days I asked for full closure from him because that break up was uneasy for me. I asked him if he could properly break up with me with a non-condescending tone. But when I met him he asked for a second chance and he said he was so sorry for his actions. Some men can't express their feelings that much. I have to push him and help him to express himself. So I gave him a second chance but already with doubts.

But just this morning I asked him what's wrong because last night he was somewhat cold and trying to keep cool. He pushed me, real hard, and said "you go!"

He usually does that when I go somewhere even if I asked permission from him. Like he allowed me to go somewhere but always says, "You can go" and pushes me a little. It wasn't alarming. But today was different. I could really feel a full force from his push.

All my childhood memories came back where I was physically abused by my brother. I already told him about my past. I just remembered what my boyfriend did to me during our third day in relationship. He got irritated because I keep mentioning this bad Japanese word. He suddenly slapped my mouth, then said he was sorry and was just carried away with his emotions.

That past event and today get connected in my mind, like I feel not secure anymore. I feel like I don't know him anymore. He said he only got angry because I didn't asked permission that I have an appointment on the next day. But I really had told him about my plans, which all came so suddenly.

Now I asked to break up with him and asked him to move out of my house, but he won't.

My question is, do you think I'm in an abusive relationship?

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Mar 30, 2018
This Is Definitely An Abusive Relationship
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello Nina, and thanks for telling your story here.

I'm sure that if you hold your ground and refuse to be affectionate with him, he will eventually leave.

I do think it's important that you break up with him, for several reasons.

1) He has been physically abusive to you, by slapping you and pushing you.

2) You do not seem to understand that you are worthy of respect as an adult, or you would not be asking permission to go out. Adults do not have to ask permission for such things. He is your partner, not your parent.

3) You do not seem to be clear in your mind that you are being abused, which is why you asked the question in your submission.

I strongly suggest that you be on your own and do not enter into a relationship with another man until you are clear about your rights and needs for respect at all times.

I also suggest that you do the emotional healing necessary to recover from the abuse by your brother.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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