Former Pushover But Not Any More
Growing up, I was always quiet and reserved. My family, friends, exes, and seemingly everyone I interacted with took advantage of my calm, non-confrontational demeanor.
People would try to treat me bad and/or speak to me like I was a child or not a human being. My mother stressed me out so bad throughout my life by treating me bad and controlling my life. She would then make up for her behavior with gifts, but the cycle of cruelty would continue.
After a long life of mistreatment, something snapped in me and I am now completely opposite. I have no patience and I am easily angered. I have become even more of an introvert. I cannot tolerate people in general.
I feel like I've lost my determination and ambition because I'd rather not deal with people. I want to start a business, but then I remember I have to deal with people and I get annoyed just knowing how ignorant some people behave. I feel like I'll be stuck in a job I hate with people I rarely interact with because they too annoy me.
Society annoys me because I cannot understand why people have to be a-holes. I feel like I want to punch everyone in the face. I hate being on social media, and I feel physically sick when I see hateful comments, videos, etc.
I am bordering the lines of becoming a recluse! What's scary is that people close to me have passed away and I didn't feel the normal sense of grief. I feel empty towards people and things. I know all people aren't this way, but sadly majority rules (majority being people I can’t tolerate.)
I don't want to be this way! I want to have feelings again and be happy. I can’t understand why people and things get to me so much and why I get fixated on things. I didn't use to be this way, and I know why I am this way now. Why can't I fix it?