Feel Confused, Selfish And Unhappy And I Don't Know What To Do
Hi. I am basically looking for some guidance. My situation's pretty messed up right now and I don't know what to do. I will try and make this as short as possible.
I am 22 years old and have been with my fiance for 8 years, and we have two children under 3. Things were great (teenage love maybe) we loved each other so much and we were so happy. When we were expecting our second child who is now 1, things began to get bad. My partner was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression and alcoholism.
He would be drunk/zombiefied all the time, sleep all day, there was no respose out of him. I did my best for him but then the arguments started when our second child was born. He'd be gone off all weekend most weekends, and when he was there it was like he wasn't. Then he decided about 6 months ago to get off the drink and all his meds and he was like a new person only I felt numb towards him and still do.
Things were said and done I can't forget. I know nobody is perfect, I am far from it. I feel like he has lost all respect for me. I know it is my own fault because his friend kissed me one night so I told him and I felt bad enough so I feel like I don't have the right to have a say anymore because of it. He always tells me everyday im a s*** etc. And won't drop it.
My parents don't like him because they see the way he talks to me and after everything I have done for him and our children I think I deserve a bit more credit from him. So 2 months ago his father died unexpectedly, which really knocked him. I did and am still doing my best to try and help him but on the day of the funeral I was getting my things that morning like just grabbing my handbad to go out to the car and he was trying to rush me and I just said give me 5 minutes and he completely flipped out grabbing me and pushing me up to the wall, bruising my arm saying I know you're doing this on purpose (what?)
I was completely shocked and we left. I just put it down to grief. So a week or so later we were arguing and I had my little girl in my arms and we were giving out about something and he kind of flipped my face. I was so angry with him for doing that. he doesnt really hurt me or anything but still, and I said to him apologise to me and don't do it again and he said no I didn't do anything wrong.
2 weeks ago his uncle lost his fight with cancer so obviously his heart is broke again. I just don't know what to do to help him and I don't know what behaviour is acceptable from him towards me. Should I accept the way he talks/treats me because he is grieving or am I being selfish?
I feel that I am being selfish. So yesterday he lost it with me again over money. I tried to explain that we didn't have the money this week for me to go to the doctors and he said your health is important so I went. Then yesterday he said we haven't got enough money for whatever and I said to him I know I explained all that to him and he said I always mess things up, that I never do anything right, I can't even keep control on the bills and eventually pushed me up to the changing unit by my neck pinching it - not strangling.
Today we were meant to go and visit his brother but I was really unwell. This morning my body was aching and I could barely talk so then I asked my mum could she help me with the kids because I couldn't physically carry them and stuff and she agreed she'd help me for a few hours.
So I went to her house and I said he should still go and see his brother but he said no I always make things awkward, I'm just a bitch and he doesn't know why he is with me because I am using being sick as an excuse not to go see his family.
Thats not true. I was there like 3 days ago and stayed there for 2 nights. I just don't know what to do, say, how to feel, act or anything, one part of me has given up and the other says I'm being selfish as he has had such a rough time.
The thing is I am so lost right now and I know he is grieving for his losses but things were bad between us before all of this. Can I just add, he is good with the kids now like more involved with them and they love him to pieces.
Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this. Please don't hesitate to tell me if you think I am being horrible or selfish.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You are not being selfish. You are being abused. You are doing your best to please a man who uses and abuses you, and blames you for anything. His grief is no excuse at all for treating you badly.
Please read this page on battered wife syndrome.
You have to become your top priority. What you have with your fiance is not love. People who love each other do not do what he does to you.
Please take care of yourself. I know this is hard, because of the children, but please understand that your children are suffering greatly as long as he is abusing you.
Learn to love yourself, and make up your mind that you will only be in relationships in which you are treated with respect and kindness.
My very best to you,