I'm a 25 year old woman. I have been in a relationship for about 3 years now. He broke up with me Sunday. He says I can't control my temper.
Soon as he says something small I blow up. And I act crazy. I don't know why but I do. He says I act like a man and less like a woman. I want to change. I'm not a mean person but when he says something stupid to me, my blood boils. I want to learn not to explode and be calm and not yell and curse.
I also get very depressed when he breaks up with me and I see it's my fault and how I need to change. I can't eat, can't sleep and can't focus when I know we are fighting. I love him very much and we have broken up and gotten together many times after I asked for a 2nd chance. He gave me many chances and this time I feel like he's really done. I'm scared. I want to change and I want him back.
I also sometimes get suicidal thoughts if I don't have him or can't be with him--at those times I don't want to live.
Please help me.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Lisa, and thanks so much for reaching out here on this site. Your story and your situation are very touching, and I will try to help you.
As hard as it is, I want you to shift your focus from the man in your life to yourself. The only way you can get better is if you make up your mind to look at and work on yourself. If you do that, it will really help you, and you might even be able to overcome your anger problems.
The kind of anger you describe is there for a reason. You just don't know what that reason is. One very good thing is that you're not blaming your man-friend for your anger. That is very positive. You are taking responsibility for your anger and your problems, and that makes it much more likely that you will be able to change.
Here is what I suggest:
1) Do the journaling exercises you will find on this page. Be sure and do all of them every day, and keep doing them until you can tell that you have truly healed at a very deep level. This is very important, and if you don't do this step, the other ones might not work at all.
2) When you have done enough journaling to know for sure what your personal childhood trauma is, then begin using these imagery processes for emotional healing, focusing on each memory, one by one. This is a very powerful process if you will use it.
You are a good person, Lisa, and that's why you don't like the anger. You know that you can be better, and that you are better, deep inside. You have a good heart.
Right now, you have to learn to love and appreciate yourself. Some of the journaling exercises I linked to in 1) above will help you with that. You have to love yourself as much and more than you love your man. Otherwise, you're just going to keep getting angry and driving him away.
Your life is precious. It is the gift of the Creator to you. Learn to cherish and appreciate and care for this precious life that has been given to you by following all of the suggestions above, and you will be able to overcome your anger problems.
I believe in you, Lisa--now you need to believe in yourself. You can do this. Don't let anything stop you, and never, ever give up on yourself.
Feel free to write again or comment on this page, if you like.
My very best to you,