Carrying A Heavy Burden For More Than 20 Years

by Pablo
(U.S.)

Hello and thanks for reading. I'm 39 years old, married with two beautiful children. And I do have anger issues, I do not know since when, maybe since I was a kid or maybe after an accident I had when I was 16 years old with a motorbike that I was driving.

My friend who was sitting on the back died in the accident. He also was 16 years old. I don't remember much of it but I have some memories of me getting up and going where his body was and asking him to get up. He was already dead and his body in parts... I passed out until I was in the hospital.


My 16th year was a difficult time since my parents were arguing and yelling at each other in my house a lot and they started talking about divorce which in fact happened a few months after the accident. I remember one of them saying to postpone the divorce a few months because of the accident.

I have never dealt with this emotionally. Now after spend some time with my wife (who talks with me, and helps me a lot) I realize (or am starting to) that emotion pain needs to be healed.

I never went the path of drugs or alcohol ... I don't know, maybe I buried everything deep inside myself and kept going. My friend's mother told me to never show up at her house again and that she never wanted to see me again.

But my main issue is my anger (my wife told me it has been improved). This probably is true but is still a big deal in my life, it controls me. And it's stronger when I am out of balance. What is more painful to me is that my anger is hurting my wife emotionally.

I work at home so I don't have a social life at work. My wife is the closest person I have, since we are together all the time. So each anger issue I have is against her. And she doesn't deserve any of it.

In my first years with her I didn't even realize I had anger issues, then with time I did realize I did have anger issues but I really never did enough to fix it.

Now I went to my own conclusion that I really need to heal myself and eliminate my anger so I can live a happy life with my wife and children. I really don't want to give the example of what I am today to my children. And I really love my wife and want the best for her and want to treat her nice.

I need to heal myself and manage my anger.

Thanks again for reading.



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Pablo, and thanks for telling your story here. Congratulations for taking responsibility for your anger, and for making the decision to heal. That is an important first step, and I will try to guide you to the next steps you need to take.

I do think you may be experiencing PTSD from the motorcycle accident, but there's no way to be sure about that. Either way, it will definitely help you to use these imagery processes, to revisit the scene of the motorcycle accident. The way this will work is that you will imagine yourself as the 39 year old man you are today going to the 16 year old boy who had the accident. As a loving father or big brother, take the 16 year old boy in your arms and tell him you're very sorry for the loss of his friend. Tell him you know that he did not intend to cause any harm. Follow the rest of the guidelines in the link above to complete the process.

And to deal with your anger, complete all of the exercise on this page. These are powerful tools, but they only work if you use them. And the more you use them the better they will work for you.

I'm glad that you have a good marriage, and that you're devoted to being a good husband and father. That is coming from your good heart, Pablo. That's who you are, and the anger doesn't match with who you are.

You can do this. You will succeed.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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