I have always had a bit of a temper I think as a child. But around 11 years old I realized that picking fights or acting out my anger in a physical way towards people was not acceptable in the adult world or even as an older child.
Somehow I learned to manage my anger. Anytime I would start to feel angry I would "talk myself down" so to speak, analyze. And eventually I never noticed myself getting angry. I was seen as very easy-going and people would tell me they had a hard time picturing me getting angry.
Now recently, over the last year and a half I have felt my control slip. I have started to develop a pattern of outbursts. Saying angry things or just being angry.
I have had a couple of instances with friends and my girlfriend getting harassed when out at bars. Getting grabbed, or asses slapped (hard). So, when I was out the other day I just perceived, meaning I thought I saw or misinterpreted someone’s actions as harassing my girlfriend and I just reacted…tackling them and trying to fight them and having to get pulled away.
This kind of reaction scares me. It also makes me feel really guilty and embarrassed. Since to me, it seemed to come out of nowhere with no chance to calm myself down and a place of a lot of anger.
I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to prevent it from happening in the future. Now I keep thinking I am an awful person and am depressed about the whole thing. I want to get back to that younger me that was calm and easy-going.
I think it sucks that I can't change the past.